Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Things I've Learned from Sister Wives

When I was at home for Christmas, I was lucky enough to catch a marathon of the ENTIRE FIRST SEASON of Sister Wives. With this, plus my obsession with Big Love and Warren Jeffs documentaries, I think it's safe to say that I am now officially a polygamy expert.

Here's what I've learned. Take notes.

1. Polygamy puts you on the fast-track to Herpestown. Next time you're watching an episode, take a look at everyone's mouths. At least one of the wives (never the husband, interestingly enough) has a cold sore on their mouth. What's even more scary? Sometimes, THE KIDS HAVE THEM TOO. OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD.

2. Even if you have 4 wives and 400 children, you can afford to buy multiple luxury cars. How the fuck does this ass clown afford all of these kids, multiple houses and a fucking two-seater Lexus? Also—you have a ton of kids and three wives and you drive a two-seater? YOU'RE A DICK. Drive a mini-van like everyone else who sold their souls to the pursuit of family.

3. If you're on TV, you can avoid any kind of prosecution for the ILLEGAL SHIT YOU'RE DOING ON TV. The DA where these creeps live launched an investigation on them, but said that they're not going to prosecute them because they don't believe any kind of abuse is going on in the household (ie: forcing 12-year-olds into becoming child brides). I mean, fine, these people aren't beating these kids or molesting them, but they ARE subjecting them to a world of incredibly bad haircuts and cold sores. ABUSE.

In summary: what a goddamned country.

I swear.

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  • At 12:04 AM, Anonymous Anna Banana said…

    Those are allllll the things I've thought whilst indulging in the first season and half of the second on Netflix. I googled "sister wives cold sores on their lips" and yours was the 3rd hit down. Love it, thank you!!


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