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Friday, December 31, 2010

Peace out, 2010. It's been weird.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Give Me a Chance

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

We are going home

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Too Drunk to Be Afraid

Monday, December 20, 2010

Best 30 Seconds of My Life



Welcome to my new favorite song of the month.

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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Christmas Shoes



I don't know if you all have heard the WORST Christmas song in the history of America, but it's GOT to be "Christmas Shoes"—which is a song about a little boy who's mother is dying who is trying to buy her shoes for Christmas so she will "look beautiful" if she "meets Jesus tonight."

Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?

My father, brother, and I make fun of this song incessantly. Every year, it's an unofficial race to see who will hear this godawful song on the radio first. It's always my dad, and he ALWAYS calls me whenever it's on. As it gets closer to Christmas, he's calling me at least twice a day (at work, mind you) and blasting this frigging song into the phone.

I didn't think anyone could explain the ridiculousness of this song accurately, but comedian Patton Oswalt does a fucking phenomenal job.



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This coffee will change all that

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Power



Illustration via Wendy MacNaughton

Don't Worry, We'll Figure it Out

Monday, December 06, 2010

You don't win friends with salad

Fucking MTA



Sometimes, living in New York City is totally impossible.

Like when the MTA ups the monthly pass from an already-high $89 to $104.

Just so we're on the same page, it costs $104 per month to:

  • Wait 15-25 minutes on the unbearably hot subway platform during rush hour.
  • Wait 20-40 minutes on the unbearably hot subway platform any time after 8pm.
  • Get sexually harassed at least once a week (on average).
  • Squeeze with everyone into one corner of the subway car as a crazy homeless person has the entire other half of the car to himself for him and his extensive trash collection.
  • Not ever get to Brooklyn on the weekends because of track work that has been going on for nearly 3 years.
GREAT.

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What Not to Wear



After crying approximately 1,000 tears about how I lost my beloved hat a few months ago, I totally found it. Where was it? In my goddamned closet. I guess when I was “looking everywhere” I didn’t have my eyes open. Moral of the story? I am an idiot. But now that I’ve found it, here’s the thing: I don’t even really wear it that much.

BOOM.

Did you hear that, Mom? I’ve officially floated out of my dykey college casual phase and directly into something that closely, if not completely, resembles womanhood. It’s like The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, except not, because I’m actually really foggy on the details of that story.

Really, I’m just making an effort to dress less like a homeless person, and more like someone who is employable. Because not only am I employed, I am GAINFULLY employed, and I’d like to stay that way.

They say, “dress for the job you want,” and unless the job I want is “gay camp counseler” or “Target cashier,” I need to ramp it up and not continue the past fashion indiscretions of my youth.

FASHION MISTAKE #1—WEARING A BASEBALL HAT WHEREVER THE FUCK I WENT: Listen, since I’m a lesbian, I’m allowed to wear baseball hats on a pretty regular basis. But in college, I would wear a hat e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. The sake bar that didn’t card in the strip mall next to the Jenny Craig? BASEBALL HAT. A trip to see RENT on Broadway? BASEBALL HAT. It got so out of control that I have a huge collection of hats because when people didn’t know what to get me for a gift, they would say to themselves, “Amanda’s always wearing that hat. Ima get her another one.” I don’t even like baseball. WTF was my problem?

FASHION MISTAKE #2—WEARING SHOWER SHOES IN PUBLIC: We had shower shoes in college because the floors in the communal bathrooms were a breeding ground for bacteria and herpes. The fact that I wore them anywhere other than in the shower (or, around the dorm) is horrendous. I wore them to bars. Seriously.

FASHION MISTAKE #3—WEARING BRIGHT COLORS OUT OF SEASON: Open my closet, and you’ll see something that looks like Rainbow Bright showed up and puked all over the place. Or, it looks like a United Colors of Benetton ad, if you want a slightly more eloquent comparison. Whenever I watch What Not to Wear, Stacy and Clinton most often BEG people to inject a little color into their wardrobe, so I can feel all smug. You guys want color? I GOT COLOR. What I’ve learned, however, is that I probably shouldn’t wear a lime green polo shirt in February. In fact, I probably shouldn’t be wearing a polo shirt in February at all, right?

FASHION MISTAKE #4—WEARING MY HAIR IN A PONY TAIL ALL THE GODDAMNED TIME: This is the one I’ve struggled with the most and have carried with me into adulthood. I know I look better with my hair up, mainly because I have a giant, round, Charlie Brown pumpkin head, and putting my hair up only emphasizes that fact. BUT, I am LAZY when it comes to any kind of beautification process. Lately, though, I seem to have conquered this problem by becoming even more shallow and self-involved than I already was. WIN.

I’m sure people could think of more fashion mistakes that I’ve committed in recent history, but these are the major ones I’ve being trying to avoid. Of course, nothing is perfect. I’m wearing a white cardigan today and I’m not sure whether or not I look good or if I look like a pharmacist.

I am a work in progress.

Friday, December 03, 2010

Gosh it disturbs me to see you Gaston, looking so down in the dumps




Growing up as a kid in the 1990's, we were exposed to arguably the worst time in entertainment in pop culture history. Everything: soulless and ridiculous.

Any song from the '90's I have on my iPod is purely ironic (ie: "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul), much like my extensive (read: embarrassing) collection of Disney songs.

I don't care who you are. If you go up to someone born between 1982-1989, hold a gun to their head, and scream, "FINISH THE LINE: WHEN I'M WAY UP HERE..." They will respond with "It's crystal-clear, that now I'm in a whole new world with you." No joke.

The hysterical blog, Things 90s Kids Realize nails it:
The lasting effects these ballads have had on me will be evident throughout my life. For example, I’d like to play “A Whole New World” at my wedding and “The Circle Of Life” at my funeral.
Done.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

It's funny because it's true.




"Amanda, you're such a good writer. I'm going to have you write my letter of resignation." —Anonymous

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