Although my recent posts would have you believe that I have been watching so many episodes of Law & Order: SVU that my body has fused with my couch, IT'S JUST NOT TRUE.
It's standard practice in the New York media industry to pay you nothing and then invite you to free events and open bars as a way to supplement your shitty salary. The idea being, "Hey, you can't buy groceries, but how about you come to this free all-you-can-eat slider event?"
Going to cool events is all well and good, but as I've screamed at my boss several times, "I CAN'T PAY MY RENT IN FREE TICKETS!" Or, maybe I could. Maybe I should try. Really, I think they're hoping that if they invite you to enough open bar events, you'll be too drunk to remember that they pay you in thumbtacks and candy bar wrappers.
Regardless, summer is upon us, and here's all of the ridiculous shit I've been doing FO FREE:
Big Apple BBQ: Each year, the Big Apple BBQ rolls into town and dolls out countless ribs and pulled pork sandwiches. This is my second time at the event, and my VIP passes allowed me to cut the lines so I could eat as many ribs as I wanted. Beer, unfortunately, was relegated to a "beer garden" area, and the only brews on tap were Heifeweiuzten Weinerschnitzel Douchebag Stout, which I could NOT get behind.
PUMA City World Cup Party: PUMA roared into South Street Seaport for the months of June and July to broadcast the World Cup games in hopes of being "Soccer Central." The kick-0ff party they had there was top-notch. They also had a studiobooth where you could pose with ridiculous things, like a giant shoe for example.
Carole King/James Taylor Concert at MSG: You know you're a douchebag when a friend offers you free tickets to a concert and you ask, "Is it in a box?" I know, I'm sorry, I couldn't even control myself. My job has spoiled me, and since I'm not some retarded hippie like Abi, I don't want to be standing in the pit, pushed up against some sweaty jerk for 2 hours. I much prefer box seats, where there is a private bathroom, free food and booze, and a bird's eye view of everyone who is lower than me. Tomorrow I may be an assistant, but tonight, I am a QUEEN.
NYC Film Food Festival: Taking place in DUMBO, one of my favorite places in New York, the NYCFFF is relatively new. I went to a food truck drive-in and a Burger Bash where we munched on Pat Lafrieda sliders, listened to Michael Jackson, and had an honest to God run-in with Mayor Bloomberg. What is going on with my life?
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!
I've spoken about my addiction to Law & Order: SVU, and now I've discovered that Netflix has taken them off of Instant View. This is the most devastating thing to happen in my life since I lost the will to live and have chosen to spend my time watching 17 episodes of Law & Order in a row.
If you're thinking, "Hey Amanda, every time I turn on the fucking TV there's a Law & Order episode on, and it's usually in the form of a mini-marathon—why don't you just watch that?"
Well, the answer is that I'm CRAZY and I need to watch them all in sequential order. Now, I have to wait for Netflix to MAIL me DVDs rather than hitting the "next episode" button. LIFE FAIL I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
YOU DON'T PICK THE VIC: LAW & ORDER SVU
I’m not going to lie.
Over the past few weeks, I've watched like 150 episodes of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Netflix Instant View is perfect for shut-ins and the unemployable, but it’s also great for people who have no interest in getting off of their couch, or even getting out of bed for that matter. They have all 10 seasons of the show on there, and when one episode is done, it asks you if you want to watch the next one. UH, YES PLEASE. You start watching and it’s noon. You get to the end of the season, it’s midnight, and you’ve lost an entire day of your life.
So, in honor of my lost day(s), I thought I’d share the life lessons I’ve learned from our good friends at SVU.
You don’t pick the vic: This line is said pretty often, usually whenever Stabler or Benson have to find the killer of a pedophile or some other scumbag. They furrow their brows, storm into Captain Cragen’s office, and they are promptly told, "YOU DON'T PICK THE VIC!" Ohhhhhh snap, you gotta deal, bitches. A murder victim is a murder victim, am I right? Am I right?
Never smile, unless you're dealing with children: Mariska Hargitay once said in an interview that she loves playing Olivia Benson, but it's hard because Olivia never smiles. She is RIGHT. If I created an Olivia Benson Smile-o-Meter, I would probably count on one hand how many times she smiles in one season, and every single one of them would be narrowed down to two situations: 1.) Stabler made a wry joke about rape (hilarious!) 2.) She's dealing with children, as in, "Hey, Sarah! [BIG SMILE] So can you tell me about the time you were held in that abandoned mine shaft for 10 days?"
If a celebrity guest stars, they are definitely the killer: Martin Short, Henry Winkler, Robin Williams—all guest stars, ALL killers. I mean, come on. Each guest star episode follows the same formula: celebrity is introduced, usually as a grieving family member of a victim, they are ALWAYS cleared, and then in the last 20 minutes of the show, we realize that they ARE the killer. It allows them some scary, sinister screen time, showing off their dramatic acting chops. Robin Williams got to detonate a shoe bomb, for Christ's sakes.
Speaking of celebrities—everyone got their start on Law & Order: Go to a Broadway show and read the cast bios. What does everyone have in common? They all appeared on Law & Order, because that's where all New York-based actors get their start. I cannot tell you how creepy it was watching Will Arnet play an honest-to-God pedophile who booked sex tour trips to the Phillipines. I just saw an episode where Rainn Wilson played a janitor, one where Hayden Pennetierre played an abused child, and another one where Pete from 30 Rock played a guy who raped in a girl in the supply closet of a fast food restaurant.
We’ve done a lot more with a lot less: Alex Cabot always comes down to the station and acts like she can't do anything about a case. She's all like, "Blah, blah, blah, constitution, my hands are tied, blah, blah, blah." And someone always shouts, "COME ON, WE'VE DONE A LOT MORE WITH A LOT LESS." Then, she agrees and goes and gets a warrant.
And in no time, time passed.