Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Cold

I never get sick.

Honestly, never.

I keep thinking about that commercial for Wal Mart where the Dad is sick and we see the Mom running into the bathroom, flinging open the medicine cabinet, desperately looking for a remedy. The voiceover says, "You know you're going to need it..."

Well, I've RARELY needed it. In fact, the only medication I have in my apartment is a bottle of Tylenol. "Cold and flu season" means nothing to me, I just don't get sick.

I have friends who down Nyquil whenever they start getting a sniffle, but I usually soldier on. But now that I'm actually sick, I'm trying to remember the last time I even
was congested, and I'm drawing a blank.

The tail end of last week meant that I'd be finishing up an especially hellish project at work. The end of day Friday would be the end of the project, which would mean that I could start doing normal things again, like working only 9 hours a day, going to the gym, having a social life, not downing vodka tonics alone in my apartment, etc.

I woke up on Friday morning feeling really sick. Congested, blowing my nose every five seconds, sore throat kind of sick that can only be associated with a head cold.

I think of friends, co-workers, and past roommates who seemed to always be perpetually sick, and had one thought:


I seriously don't know how to function as a sick person. God forbid I ever come down with anything more than a minor head cold.

So, here's what happened:

1. I went to work on Friday because calling in sick isn't an option for workaholics.
2. Work all day. Our Production Director sprays me with Lysol.
3. Thought about actually keeping my plans of drinking like crazy with an old co-worker at 5pm.
4. Came to my senses and canceled my plans.
5. Took a cab home from work because I was too exhausted to deal with the subway.
6. Made dinner, which tasted like nothing, because my cold has robbed my sense of taste from me. This is perhaps the most tragic part of having a head cold.
7. I am pissed that this cold is taking away from me being able to get shithoused drunk to celebrate the end of my stupid project. I decide I'm going to have a few celebratory drinks alone—this is also a way to ensure that I will sleep soundly.
8. Wake up at 9AM. So much for sleeping soundly.
9. Fresh Direct arrives and I decide I'll make a quiche because I'm an idiot.
10. Eat the quiche. It tastes like nothing.
11. Give in to my mother's demands that I go to the store and buy some goddamned medicine.
12. The bodega by my apartment only has Nyquil.
13. I watch Labyrinth on Netflix Instant View and recall how fucking weird it was.
14. Take some Nyquil and sleep until 6PM.
15. Awake to texts from Tim asking me about going out tonight.
16. Because no pushy virus is going to ruin my plans (TWICE), I make plans to meet Tim and Abi at a bar in the East Village.
17. The F train is running all wonky, and I realize that it was a mistake to venture out.
18. Arrive at the bar at 9pm, where we drink until 12am. I keep a stash of bar napkins to blow my nose on. I am the most attractive girl in the bar.
19. I leave at midnight and get a cab home.
20. Take Nyquil even though you're not supposed to mix it with alcohol.
21. Sleep until 1pm.
22. Make chicken soup.
23. The day melts into Golden Girls marathons and chicken soup.
24. Wake up for work. Feel awful, still go into the office because I have time-sensitive things to do.
25. Take care of time-sensitive things to do, leave office at 2pm.
26. On the way to the subway, spend $40 at Duane Reade on Mucinex, some sort of nasal spray, and Tylenol Cold.
27. Get home, spray my nose, take some Mucinex, and eat some soup.
28. Go to bed at 9pm.
29. Wake up feeling much better.

Mucinex, you're my hero. I think I'll be 100% by tomorrow. If only I had gotten the medicine sooner. I'm an ahole.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

This is what's happening

Read the whole, terrible mess here and cry for me. Seriously.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Not to be dramatic

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Texts from this morning

I just opened my computer and three windows were open: Scott's Facebook page, "Hey Daddy" by Usher on YouTube, and a Google image search of Sandra Bullock.


Friday, March 19, 2010

Happy hour(s)

My Seasonal Affective Disorder is officially GONE—this weather is fucking amazing.

Let's usher in a long season of actually going out after work, wearing short sleeves, and drinking in courtyards.


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Quarter Life Crisis/I'm Better Than Everyone

I fully support the idea of a quarter life crisis, mainly because I'm sort of in the midst of one. Think about it: you're underpaid, overworked, propelled by a constant need to move forward—yet this recession has fucked everything up for you and now you're just supposed to be lucky you have a job. Don't even THINK about moving forward, just stay where you are and be thankful.

It's bullshit, and it's frustrating, but every now an then I'm reminded of how good I have it.

Whenever anyone asks what I do, I say, "I work for [my magazine's name]" and people automatically respond with, "That's so cool!"

I also saw a Facebook status from someone I went to college with and it was some sordid story about how she went to an interview only to be told that she wasn't qualified.

This is the girl who sat through journalism classes with me and yelled at me because I was trying to lay down the law on a group project, saying, "Not everything is about journalism and writing, Amanda!"

Right, not everything is about journalism and writing. Especially your career.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


Lately, my blogging has been sporadic at best. I apologize to dozens of readers for the inconsistency, it's just that MY LIFE IS SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL. Okay, okay, you know I come with a flair for dramatics.

Here are some things that are going on:

1. WORK: I'm working on a huge project for work. And I'm not only managing it, but I'm also writing 15 pages of editorial for it. In the past week, I have interviewed 19 filmmakers and stayed at the office until 9 or 10 every night. Breaking out my little voice recorder that I hadn't used since I was in college? Fun. Transcribing all of the interviews afterward and then editing them into coherent Q&As? Not so fun. All of this is exciting and it's a great opportunity for me, but I have taken to drinking so much Red Bull that I'm pretty sure that my heart could explode at any moment.

2. FREELANCE: I'm in the April edition of Every Day With Rachael Ray, giving advice about how to make the most of outdoor festivals. Yes, I interviewed the "Wing King" from Buffalo. I kind of had to.

3. DRINKING: Let's see, should I tell you about how I went to Hoboken for St. Patrick's Day and drank about 708954 beers but refused to pay a ridiculous $40 cover charge to get into a stupid bar? Or how about the time that Scott and I got kicked out of a bar because I spilled an entire pint of Bud Light on my lap while Scott puked all over the men's room? No, let's not get into that.

4. MISCELLANEOUS: I went to an advance screening of Alice in Wonderland, and for anyone who has seen it, there's no reason to be jealous. Tonight, I'm going to an advance screening of The Runaways, and I'm slightly more optimistic. I mean, Dakota Fanning! She's the Jodie Foster of our generation! Am I right, am I right?

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Thursday, March 11, 2010

Oh Lauryn Hill

Sum up my life right now? Sure!

Add Image

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Thank You For Being a Friend: A Golden Girls Marathon (Season 2)

Everyone is harping about Betty White's renaissance—her appearance in the Snickers Superbowl commercial, her Facebook petition to be the host of Saturday Night Live, her hilarious turn in The Proposal—but I know the truth: she never went anywhere. Betty White is a comedic goddess and truly, The Golden Girls is one of the funniest sitcoms with the smartest writing in history. And with Rue McClanahan recovering from a stroke, and Betty White supposedly sending her a card that said, "I hope you die, so I'll be the last Golden Girl!," it's time to reprise my Golden Girls marathon.

Day 1:

Episode 1, The End of the Curse, 5:32PM: The season premiere opens with Dorothy and Rose startin
g a mink breeding business, because, well, why not, right? Great. Blanche is having one of her fits again. How can you tell she's having a fit? Because she's a.) locked herself in her room, b.) eating like a maniac, c.) screeching like crazy. Finally, she reveals what the problem is. She's pregnant. How could a 70 year old woman be pregnant, you ask? I don't know, either. But then, Blanche comes home from the doctor.

My life is over.

Oh, Blanche, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I thought all of those things when I thought you were pregnant.
Like what a slut you were!
Blanche: I'm not dying, but I might as well be. I'm going through THE CHANGE.

"The change," of course, is code word for "menopause," and Blanche goes even crazier. Something about her
womanhood. The girls make her go to a psychologist, because she won't get out of bed. Dorothy tries to allay Blanche's fears that she doesn't belong at a shrink's office, and as usual, Rose doesn't help: "No, Dorothy, psychologist is for "psych," like PSYCHO."

Of course, as always, Blanche gets over it because a handsome veterinarian comes over to look at the non-breeding
minks. He says that the minks are too old, but people (such as Blanche) are NEVER too old to fuck. Of course, he put it a little more elegantly than that—it was on primetime network TV, after all.

Episode 2, "Ladies of the Evening," 5:56PM:
This was 1986, and no one was hotter than Burt Reynolds (or, as Blanche refers to him, "Mistah Burt Reynoldssss"). Remember his Playgirl spread?

THIS was sexy back then, because hairy and rugged was a sign of verility. Apparently, Blanche has won passes for her and two friends to go to a movie premiere afterparty hosted by none other than Burt Reynolds. Since their house has termites and needs to be fumigated, they all decide to get a hotel and make a week out of it. Of course, because Blanche is a whore and chooses places because of the male to female ratio, she chose a hotel that was one of those "by the hour" places, if you know what I mean. They all get busted by the police for being hookers.

While in jail,
a crazy black hooker starts a fight with Blanche after she calls them all (in her haughty Southern accent) "common gutter trash." Dorothy diffuses the situation by telling the black hooker that she did two years in Attica, a men's prison. She was there for two years before anyone found out that she was a woman.

Sofia came to bail them out of jail:

Sofia: Arrested for prostitution, I can't believe it!
Blanche: Sofia, we're innocent!

Sofia: I know that, I just can't believe these dumb cops believe anyone would pay money to sleep with you!

When Sofia realizes that they still won't give her a ticket to go to the afterparty, Sofia steals the tickets and goes to the party alone. The next day, everyone is pissed, as Sofia regales them with ridiculous stories from
the party. They all conclude that Sofia must be exaggerating.

"Jealousy is a very ugly thing, Dorothy. And so are you in anything backless," says Sofia. Then, there's a knock at the door. It's Burt Reynolds, looking admittedly foxy in a tan suit. He wants to take Sofia to lunch.

Burt Reynolds says, "Which one's the slut?" and they all say, in unison, "I am!" What a bunch of old tramps.

Episode 3, "Take Him, He's Mine," 6:55PM: I had to take a break and make dinner in order to have enough sustenance to get through this. A moustachioed Stan shows up, sporting his toupee. He's lost his novelty business, and he's turning to Dorothy for support. But Dorothy, for once, has a date, and pawns him off on Blanche. Meanwhile, Sofia and Rose have started a business, selling bacon, lettuce, and potato sandwiches (they ran out of tomato). Blanche comes back from her date, and surprisingly, had a great time. Dorothy pretends not to care, until she has a hilarious meltdown in the grocery store. Obviously, she concludes, Blanche is sleeping with Stan, because she's a slut. Apparently, for once, Blanche kept her legs together. Dorothy apologizes.

Episode 4, "It's a Miserable Life," 7:19PM: If there's one thing I've learned from The Golden Girls, it's that old people do two things: have sex and do charity work. How many banquets and charity auctions have these old broads been to? A MILLION. Whatever keeps you busy post-retirement. This time, the girls are trying to save an old oak tree. They have a petition, but their neighbor, miserable old Frida Claxton, refuses to sign it. This makes everything terrible, because the tree is on Mrs. Claxton's property. They all go to the town hall to argue to save the tree. Rose, who always believes in giving people the benefit of the doubt, gets uncharacteristically mean, which, as always, is amazing. She tells Mrs. Claxton to drop dead, and she does. Rose is obviously upset about this, and Blanche tries to soothe her, much like I'd imagine my friends would try to soothe me, "Oh, Rose, get over it. You killed Mrs. Claxton two days ago."

Episode 5, "Isn't it Romantic?," 7:43PM: Dorothy's friend from college, Jean, is coming to visit. It seems her husband, Pat has just died. But the episode takes an "It's Pat!" turn, as we realize that Jean is a lesbian, and that Pat was a woman.

Dorothy is struggling as to whether or not to tell Rose and Blanche that Jean is a lesbo, mainly because this is 1986 and although gays were doing it in the streets, we're talking about people who were born in the 1930s and 1940s. Sofia muses, "Jean is a nice person. She happens to like girls instead of guys. Some people like cats instead of dogs. Personally, I'd rather live a lesbian than a cat," an accepting attitude that is one of the reasons why The Golden Girls is so beloved by the gaymo population.

Jean ends up falling in love with Rose, and Sofia thinks it's hilarious ("Jean in love with Little Miss Muffett? COME
ON!"). Blanche gets "lesbian" confused with "Lebonese," which was a funny joke I had wth my sophomore roommate. We even put up a sign on our door that said "the Lesbian and the Lebonese." Jean tells Rose that she's in love with her, and Rose confronts Dorothy. Why didn't she tell her? Dorothy says, "Honey, I didn't know if you'd even know what a lesbian was!" Rose says, "I could have looked it up!"

Episode 6, "Big Daddy's Little Lady," 8:06PM: Ah, yes. The famous "Miami, you've got style episode." There's a songwriting contest, and Dorothy and Rose decide that they should team up. I'm always happy when Bea Arthur's scratchy baritone is showcased in song.

Dorothy: Rose, I have to confess—I dabbled a little in poetry in high school.
Rose: Oh, Dorothy, that's nothing to be ashamed of—a lot of tall girls who couldn't get dates wrote poetry in high

Meanwhile, Blanche's father, Big Daddy is coming up for a visit. It seems that he's getting married. To a woman who's about half his age. A ginger vixen, if you will. Dorothy makes things extra special awkward by introducing her to Blanche as "Big Mommy." More shit goes on, but really, the best part of this episode is the song:

Ohhh, Miami, you've got style.

Episode 7, "Family Affair," 8:30PM: Dorothy's deadbeat musician son showed up for a visit, just as Rose's very pretty daughter shows up. Here's the question: why does the word "deadbeat" go so well with the word "musician?" Is it because musicians carouse late at night, sleep all day, and are largely irresponsible and ridiculous? It's like that time I told my father that I wanted to get a guitar and he refused because he didn't want me to become a "beatnik."

Blanche tries to play matchmaker with Michael and Bridgit and they end up in bed together. Everyone walks in on them, and Rose is upset, saying, "I've never seen Bridgit in bed with a man. Unless you can count Raggedy Andy."

Then, they all stop being polite and start getting FOR REAL, and Rose calls Dorothy's son a loser. Dorothy calls Rose's daughter a tramp. Them's fighting words!

The next day, Sofia shows up in all black clothing and a veil—she's mourning Michael, because he's dead to her after he comes up in her house, "acting like a common gigolo." This whole scenario directly translates into my life—whenever my boss is gone for a long period of time, and she calls me to ask how everything at the office is, I tell her that everyone is wearing black veils, mourning her absence.

Everything is cleared up, as Dorothy and Rose reconcile the fact that their children are no longer children, and they have things like sex drives, condoms, and erections. As Bridgit is leaving, she says, "Thank you for having me," and
Sofia says, "Don't thank me, thank my grandson."

Episode 8, "Vacation," 8:57PM: It appears the girls are going on vacation to some Carribean island. Sofia stays behind so she can seduce the Japanese gardener. This doesn't make sense to me, mainly because of my growing racism towards Asian people (try riding the subway around East Broadway sometime and you'll feel the same way), but also because he is ugly and doesn't speak English.

The girls arrive at their resort, and it is TERRIBLE. Where is their ocean view? Why is their bed vibrating? They have to share a bathroom with three douchebags.

Meanwhile, back at Maison de Miss Saigon, the Japanese gardener is trying to get Sofia to eat sushi, which she promptly dumps in her purse. The sushi revolution clearly hadn't spread in 1986. Nowadays, spicy tuna rolls are like
chicken fingers.

Back on the island, the three douchebags have invited the girls on a midnight cruise. Obviously, they go, because they went to the Natalie Holloway School of Vacation Etiquette. They end up shipwrecked on an island that looks like Buena Vista Entertainment dumped a sandbox and some fake palm trees in a studio. They make a bunch of last-minute
confessions because they're convinced they're going to die, but they don't, and the episode ends with them singing the "I'd like to buy the world a Coke."

Episode 9, "Joust Between Friends," 9:23PM: It's well-known that Betty White is a big animal lover, so the writers were always finding ways to introduce animal storylines for Rose. Rose comes home from the grocery store with a dog, and Dorothy HATES dogs, because she's a giant bitch.

Meanwhile, Dorothy gets a job working with Blanche down at the art museum. They begin to fight, because Blanche feels that her boss has begun to favor Dorothy. This, of course, is a true testament as to why close friends shouldn't mix business with pleasure. Blanche, in true Southern dramatic fashion, declares that she's quitting her job, calling Dorothy several ridiculous names. Finally, Sofia tells Blanche that the reason why Dorothy is getting all of her boss's attention is because they're planning a banquet in her honor. Blanche feels like an a-hole and apologizes.

Episode 10, "Love, Rose,"9:49PM: Rose is depressed because she can't find a date, even though Scott said that if he could have sex with any Golden Girl, it'd be Betty White. Blanche and Dorothy get the brilliant idea that Rose should take out a personal ad in some sort of senior citizen newsletter. Rose gets even more depressed because no one answers her personal ad. Blanche and Dorothy decide to write her letters, in a sort of a "secret admirer" turn of events. In an effort to make the letters extra believable, they sign the letters "Isaac Newton." They're going to yet another charity ball, and Rose opens the phone book, finds someone named Isaac Newton, and invites him the ball. A crazy loser shows up, and hilarity ensues.

Episode 11, "Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas," 10:10PM: Here's the obligatory Christmas episode, this one, for some reason, has about 25 different Christmas storylines.


1. Dorothy says Christmas has gotten too commercial, so she suggests that all the girls make presents for each other instead of buying them. Rose gives everyone a maple syrup spigot that she whittled herself. "This will come in handy the next time I'm lost in the woods with a stack of pancakes." Blanche, on the other hand, made a sexy calendar for
everyone called "The Men of Blanche's Boudoir." Sofia says, "I'm surprised you were able to walk in October."
We learn that Blanche has a kinky Santa Claus fetish. It's something about all that hot, sweaty flannel, she says.
3. Before they all leave to visit their own families, they have to pick up Rose at work at the grief counseling center. Some psycho in a Santa suit holds them all at gunpoint in the center, until Sofia shows up, grabs the gun, and chastises
Dorothy for being a terrible Italian. "You can't tell the difference between a toy and a real piece?"
4. The girls leave, go to the hospital, and promptly miss all of their flights, which is nearly impossible since everyone was going to different parts of the country.
5. A storm has descended on Miami, and the girls run into a diner for shelter. The owner complains about how he's missing Christmas with his family. The girls offer to watch the diner so he can go home and be with his family. He agrees, of course, because in TV land, everyone is trustworthy. He leaves and they realize that it's snowing. IN MIAMI! Can you BELIEVEEEEE IT?!??

Day 2:

Episode 12, "The Sisters," 4:22PM: It's Sofia's 200th birthday, and Dorothy is flying her sister, Angela, in fromSicily as Sofia's birthday present. Sofia spends DAYS trying to get Rose to spill the beans about her surprise, but when it's revealed that her surprise present is Angela, Sofia shouts, "You call this old bag a present?" Hilarious!

Episode 13, "The Stan That Came to Dinner," 4:46PM: "Hi, it's me, Stan" is getting heart bypass surgery, and he's scared! So scared, that he confesses every affair he's ever had. And there have been a lot of them. For a bald schmuck with a bad toupee, that guy got a lot of tail.

Episode 14, "The Actor," 5:10PM:
The main story here is that the girls are in a community theatre play with some "famous" soap opera actor, but as far as I'm concerned, this is the famous "Sophia in a pirate costume" episode.


She got a job at some seafood place, and when Rose asks her if she's working at that restaurant, she says, "No Rose, I'm off to discover the Strait of Magellan. Yo ho!"

Episode 15, "Before and After," 5:35PM: Rose collapses and ends up in the hospital. When she wakes up, she tells the girls that she died and went to heaven. Dorothy tries to refute Rose, saying that it was a hallucination, like that New Year's Eve when she had four margaritas and thought she was the animated broom in Fantasia. Of course, I've had a couple of nights like that, but my favorite part is Dorothy's pronunciation of margarita, which sounds like "marg/GUER/rita," which is really a sad, pathetic attempt at sounding like she's "ethnic." It's like my old housemates who would say "mozerellllllllllll" instead of "mozzerella," because they were "Italian."

Rose returns home, saying that she's going to "eat life." She starts partying like it's 1989. Blanche says she's "abhorred" at her new lifestyle. Sofia shows up, purse in tow, and says, "Yeah, Blanche, you're abhorred. Abhorred, a slut, a tramp—glad to hear you're finally admitting it."

Jokes aside, the girls tell Rose that her new behavior and new friends are ridiculous—Rose moves out, and not a sitcom-style fake-out, she actually moves, to a condo right on the beach. The problem? Her new roommates could care less about her St. Olaf stories, and not in the feigned annoyance, eye-rolling, "we'll tolerate these dumb stories because you're our friend and we love you" way Sofia, Blanche, and Dorothy react to them, but in a, "I walk out of the room when you start talking" kind of way.

Finally, Rose realizes that she's made a huge mistake and moves back into the house, cheesecake in tow.

Episode 16, "And Then There Was One," 5:57PM: Sofia has joined a charity walk-a-thon, and the girls have decided to help out by babysitting the children of the runners/walkers. The day ends, and a baby is left behind.

Sofia comes home and gives the girls a play-by-play.

Sofia: The race was underway. I start off slow, I'm cagey, like a panther. But when the time is right, I POUNCE. The
crowd is on its feet, "So-fi-a! So-fi-a!" My heart is pounding in my ears, but then again, it always pounds in my ears. And then, what every runner dreads: I hit the wall.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma. You ran out of steam?

Sofia: No, I actually hit a wall. They put up a new Wendy's on Collins Avenue.

It's late at night, and the baby's parents still aren't back. The police say they can either bring the baby to the police, or wait for the Child Protective Services to show up in 2 days. Blanche wants to raise the baby herself, but the next day, the baby's father shows up—it seems that he was busy in the hospital, his wife was having triplets. This guy was obviously the original Jon Gosselin—no sense of parental responsibility, and the reproductive power of a bunch of rabbits.

Episode 17, "Bedtime Story," 6:23PM: Picture it: another episode where all the girls sit around the kitchen table and reminisce. This time, about the sleeping arrangements they've made throughout the years when various sundry family and friends have stayed over at the house.

One particular night, the heat was broken, and they all had to sleep together to stay warm, completely ignoring the fact that they live in MIAMI and the coldest it could possibly get is about 40 fucking degrees. Rose couldn't sleep without
saying her prayers, and in order to get her to shut up, we hear Dorothy's voice saying, "Rose, thanks for the lovely prayer, NOW SHUT UP AND GET INTO BED." Blanche commends Dorothy, but Dorothy says it wasn't her, leaving us all to believe that the voice of God sounds like Bea Arthur, which is comforting, if you think about it.

Day 3:

Episode 18, "Forgive Me, Father," 6:03PM: It seems that Dorothy has a crush on a teacher she knows from work. Blanche is going on and on about why the guy hasn't asked her out.
Rose: Who didn't ask you out, Dorothy?
Sofia: You got a phone book?

Personally, I love when they give Dorothy romantic story lines, because then you get to see what Dorothy thinks is a good outfit for a date. Observe:

As Blanche says, "Go back and change! That outfit might be okay for a gay funeral in New Orleans, but it's much too subtle for tonight!"

Finally, she asks Frank over for dinner. He shows up, and surprise! He's a priest!

Blanche tries to convince Dorothy that Frank wants to know her in the Biblical sense.
Frank leaves after dinner, telling Dorothy that he's thinking of leaving the church—because of her! Sofia comes back from bingo, and freaks out. She tells her not to date a priest because it's bad luck, that Dorothy is throwing her faith down the toilet by going out with Father Happy Pants, and that if she makes the wrong decision, she'll burn in hell forever.

It turns out that Frank isn't leaving the priesthood, he's leaving the church—as in, St. Vincent's Church for St. Francis's Church. Dorothy laments that she made a complete ass of herself.

Everyone agrees.

Episode 19, "Long Day's Journey into Marinara,"6:26PM: Sofia shows up with her date, a 4 foot tall man named Tony. She opines, "He's got his own hair, his own teeth, and a totally unrestricted driver's license. For me, it's like dating Tom Cruise!"

Meanwhile, Rose lends a whole new meaning to "bird brained"—she's babysitting for someone's pet chicken, Count Basie. But this isn't any chicken, it's a showbiz chicken! She plays "Old McDonald" on the piano. Rose asks if anyone has any requests, and Blanche says, "How about "Bye Bye Birdie?" Good one, Blanche.

Sofia's sister Angela shows up, all the way from Sicily. Over dinner, Sofia and the girls convince Angela to move to Miami. While she's looking for a place to live, Angela stays with them, and Sofia is NOT happy. She constantly reminds Dorothy, "everything I have, she wants."

As the girls sit down for a nice fried chicken dinner, Rose busts in, distraught. Count Basie is missing. Since Angela lives in a little village in Sicily with a goat, it's not that much of a leap to conclude that Angela killed Count Basie and made a fried chicken dinner. Rose is devastated, lamenting, "Who cooks a musician at the prime of her career?"

Meanwhile, after much squabbling, Angela finds a place to live. Her new roommate is coming to help her move her stuff. They open the door, and it's Tony, Sofia's boyfriend. He says,
"I thought this address sounded familiar!"

Can you imagine? Going to your girlfriend's apartment and not remembering that your girlfriend lives there? Oh, Alzheimer's—you so crazy. Tony and Angela brush it off as a coincidence, but Sofia knows better—she's convinced that Angela is trying to steal her boyfriend.

Blanche: Sofia's not eating dinner. She says she's had no appetite since she was stabbed in the back.
Rose: Oh my God, who stabbed Sofia?!

The next day, Sofia goes over to the apartment, telling Dorothy that she's going over there to kill Angela. Also, if she's not back by 8:00, tape The Cosby Show.

When she gets to the apartment, this hilarious little exchange occurs:

Sofia: You can run, but you can't hide.
Angela: Run? I can barely walk.
Sofia: Fine, rub it in! You and Tony have been fooling around all day!

Sofia finds out that Angela hasn't been fooling around with Tony, but Tony has been fooling around with someone else. The episode ends with Sofia and Angela hitting Tony with their purses, because that's what you do in a crisis.

Episode 20, "Whose Face is This, Anyway?," 6:50PM:
Rose has decided to make a documentary about the girls, using the latest technology in video cameras:


It's funny, because it's huge—like a Zach Morris cell phone:


Meanwhile, Blanche is going to the reunion for her old sorority sisters, and as usual, she has one of her emotional breakdowns because of aging. It seems that all of her sorority sisters had gotten facelifts, and she wasn't the prettiest anymore.

After a few days, Blanche gets over it, just in time for Rose to show the girls her movie. Of course, she sees herself in the video, and she freaks out. "My stunning good looks are fading!" she screams. "The camera does not lie!" Blanche declares that she's going to get so much plastic surgery that Heidi Montag (or as my mother calls her, "Heidi Montalong") would be jealous.

At the last minute, Blanche decides to cancel the surgery, mainly because her plastic surgeon railed her after their appointment. Great.

Episode 21, "Dorothy's Prized Pupil," 7:13PM: This commentary has come full circle. Why, you ask? Because it stars a very young, still very dimpled Mario Lopez as Dorothy's student. Did you know when you Google "Mario Lopez," the first suggestion that comes up is "Mario Lopez bulge?"

Well, check this out:


Looks like Mario Lopez did a naked homage to Burt Reynolds' bearskin rug Playgirl shoot in People Magazine.

But back before Mario's battle of the bulge, he was a cute little illegal immigrant, named, coincidentally, "Mario."


You see, Mario is like Andrea Fernandez, a Mexican immigrant that was in my Intro to Literature class freshman year of college. Our professor was about 700 years old, and she was letting us watch the movie version of Don Quixote. Every class, we would convince her that she never even started the movie, so we watched the first half of it about 25 times, until Andrea, who did NOT come to this country to watch the same half of a movie over and over when she was supposed to be getting educated, walked out.

"I didn't come to this country for this crap!" she shouted.

Obviously, smart ass American kids take education for granted because we're pretty much guaranteed a right to it, no matter how poor one is. Mario echoes Andrea's sentiment, and thus, he is Dorothy's best student! In fact, he's such a good writer that Dorothy entered his "I love America" essay into a contest and he wins, which, unfortunately, tips the INS off, and they come to cart Mario away. Here's a question: why doesn't Mario have an accent?


Episode 22, "Diamond in the Rough," 7:36PM: The girls are putting on another charity banquet and Blanche is smitten with the caterer, Jake. He's actually pretty foxy, which is a huge departure from the other men the girls usually date, who look like they're about a month away from life support.

Even though he's smoking hot, Blanche has a problem. Jake is a little uncouth, which is hard for Blanche since she's the prototypical Southern belle. Blanche ends up breaking it off with him, only to learn that Jake was planning on asking her to marry him. Blanche goes to the banquet and sees Jake in a tuxedo, and all bets are off! A monkey suit makes everyone look super classy, obvi. Blanche wants him back, but he's not having it. Blanche is depressed about it for about 45 seconds, until Dorothy reminds Blanche that there are a ton of other fish in the sea.

Episode 23, "Son-in-Law Dearest," 8:00PM: Dorothy's daughter is coming to town, and she knows that it means only one thing: she's going to be a grandmother! Stan shows up for the good news, only to learn that she caught her husband having an affair.

Dorothy and Stan are livid:

Stan: What kind of man has such a disrespect for the institution of marriage that jumps into bed with the first bimbo that comes along?
Dorothy: But enough about you, Stanley.

This is also a very special episode, because we learn that Rose was kind of a tramp in her day. It turns out that she had sex twice a day, every day, for her entire marriage. "Charlie said that's why we didn't have headaches and we both had really shiny hair!" she says.

Episode 24, "To Catch a Neighbor," 8:24PM: Let me just say that one of the great things about The Golden Girls is its commitment to reality. So anyway, the police bang down their door and they find out that their next door neighbors are a couple of jewel thieves. The police men (one of whom is a young George Clooney) ask if they can set up a sting operation from their house. Of course, the girls can still stay in the house, because how else would Dorothy establish a love connection with the older cop? This was like Law & Order before there was Law & Order.


Anyway, as you can see from this photo, they have a shoot out with the neighbors and Clooney takes it in the arm.

Episode 25, "A Piece of Cake," 8:47PM:
It's another flashback episode, but what I like about The Golden Girls' flashback episodes, they're not recycled content from other episodes, it's new content that's tied together with a common theme. This time, it's birthdays.

First up, it's the time that Rose planned Dorothy's birthday celebration at Mr. Ha Ha's Hot Dog Hacienda.

Of course, Mr. Ha Ha looks like John Wayne Gacy:



The second trip down memory lane is quite the downer. Rose is back in Minnesota, baking herself a birthday cake and talking to her dead husband. This birthday is on par with the last birthday I had in college, when all of my friends except for Abi and Scott ditched me and called it a misunderstanding. But hey, I'm not bitter or anything.

The next flashback is to 1956 Brooklyn, for Sofia's 50th birthday. Sofia and her husband are having a fight, so she wants to call off her birthday celebration at Guido's (typical). They make up, and Sofia tells Dorothy she's going to be late to dinner, presumably because they're going to play "hide the cannoli."

The final one is Blanche's birthday, when she professes her HATE of surprise birthday parties, even though Rose is planning on throwing her one. Blanche comes around when she realizes that Rose only invited people from her little black book (aka ALL MEN).

Episode 26, "Empty Nests,"
9:10PM: I cannot STAND when TV shows try to do a cross-over to another series. I've never seen an episode of "Empty Nest," but I know that it was a popular show set in Miami back in the 80's. Without any warning, their neighbor, Renee (played by the great Rita Moreno), shows up and talks to them like they're all best fucking friends even though we've never heard of her before today.

It seems that Renee is lonely because her kids have all moved out and she's suffering from Empty Nest Syndrome (GET IT? GET IT?) and she needs to find a way to tell her husband, George. Her husband George, oddly enough, is played by the same guy who played Isaac Newton in episode 10. They do this a lot, these lapses in continuity, like we, as the viewing public won't notice that Blanche's daughters are played by 700 different actresses. This whole thing becomes an annoying sitcom within a sitcom, and I'm left wondering, "Really, GG? That's the way you want to end Season 2, with this garbage?"

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Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Cabin Fever: Blizzmania 2.0 (the conclusion)

Basically, after Saturday afternoon, I realized that the sidewalks were fine, it had stopped snowing, and everything was back to normal, so it wasn't much of a cabin fever weekend.

Especially after I saw this video. Now THAT's cabin fever.