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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Wishful Drinking





I scored free tickets to Carrie Fisher's one-woman show, Wishful Drinking, so Scott and I went on Friday. Of course, as with any time Scott and I hang out, we were sufficiently hammered, which is funny, because the show focuses largely on the Star Wars star's alcohol and drug addiction.

We started with dinner (and drinks!) at Five Napkin Burger after work, and then walked to the show, which was at the infamous Studio 54. Now a theatre, it still maintains it's club days structure (with two bars!), and I was amazed at how opulent it was. So we chugged a bunch of beers before the show and then realized that we were really the only ones drinking, and the only ones in the audience under 40 years old. As my former co-worker would say, they were all "cotton heads."

In the intermission, we got more beers, and then I remembered that my boss had given me a bottle of white wine earlier that day and I had it in my purse. There I was, in the bathroom of Studio 54, not blowing lines off of the toilet seat (did they do that?), but trying to open a bottle of wine. "Why don't I carry a corkscrew with me?" I lamented. Then I realized that if I actually carried around a corkscrew just in case I came along stray bottles of wine in public, I might as well just sign myself up for an episode of Intervention right now.

As for the show, Fisher was hysterical, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't the booze. I was laughing out loud for the majority of the show as she made fun of herself, her family, her career, and her addictions mercilessly. The one that made me spit my drink everywhere was when she said that someone had written on the internet, "What happened to Carrie Fisher? She used to be so hot, and now she looks like Elton John."

The truth has never been so funny.

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Monday, December 21, 2009

40oz to Freedom?




45 steps to the liquor store

Just another break down I can't afford
But I can't worry about tomorrow's pain tonight

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Sunday, December 20, 2009

2009 in Facebook Statuses



So I saw a shoddy application on Facebook that takes a sampling of your Facebook statuses for the entire year and puts them in some lame font with fleur de lis bullshit, so I decided I'd do it here, without all of the goofy bells and whistles.

January 11, 2009: Amanda had a very productive weekend and is looking forward to brunch and other lazy Sunday activities
January 12, 2009: Amanda is thinking that today has been a very lucrative day
January 15, 2009: Amanda got promoted!
January 24, 2009: Amanda is taking a bottle of wine to the face with Abi
January 31, 2009: Amanda is hello weekend, goodbye liver
February 7, 2009: Amanda is is not going to fill out a 25 Things Survey, no matter how much you dbags try to get me to.
February 8, 2009: Amanda is a beer or dinner? Who will know?
February 10, 2009: Amanda is thanking everyone for the free drinks, someecards, birthday wishes, and the reminder that no one likes you when you're 23
February 20, 2009: Amanda is in Boston for the weekend with Scott, Tim, and Gabe!
February 22, 2009: Amanda is in love with her life
March 7, 2009:
Amanda is having a free bottle of wine fueled bitchfest in stuytown
March 8, 2009: Amanda is hey, me and tomato wanna hit the town
March 8, 2009:
Amanda cannot believe that Celebrity Apprentice is two hours long and that I will most likely watch the whole thing
March 10, 2009: Amanda knows this month will be the death of her
March 15, 2009: Amanda is hungover
March 20, 2009: Amanda is NO SLEEP TIL BROOKLYN
March 21, 2009: Amanda is seeing Cynthia Nixon in "Distracted" tonight after having $80 worth of sushi and sake with Tim last night—perfect weekend!
March 24, 2009: Amanda is looking for a roommate starting May 1. Let me know if you want to join the madness in BKKKKK
March 27, 2009: Amanda is fuck my life
March 28, 2009: Amanda is going on a bender to remember
April 15, 2009: Amanda's TV is broken. How the hell will I get to sleep without The Simpsons or Golden Girls as background noise?
April 17, 2009: Amanda is TAX REFUNDDDDDD
April 20, 2009: Amanda is
seeing 9 to 5: The Musical with the Marketing Team!
April 22, 2009: Amanda is seeing Raining Jane/Matthew Santos show at The Living Room tonight!
April 23, 2009: Amanda is Hold on—gotta take this phone call from Paula Poundstone in 3D
April 24, 2009:
Amanda is is at a screening for the Tribeca Film Festival!
April 28, 2009: Amanda is someone carry me to Dunkin Donuts
April 29, 2009: Amanda is following swine flu on Twitter
April 29, 2009: Amanda
and Abi won the prize for best team name at Trivia Night: the Swine Floozies.
May 9, 2009: Amanda is
Five Elvis impersonators just entered the bar. This night is going to get interesting
May 12, 2009: Amanda is so excited that Scott is going to be her neighbor! Let the drunken madness of Summer 09 begin!
May 16, 2009: Amanda
was the youngest person in the Jersey Boys audience by about 30 years.
May 25, 2009: Amanda is having a $10,000 BBQ in Prospect Park
May 27, 2009: Amanda is winner of best Trivia name AGAIN: Trivia Newton-John.
May 29, 2009: Amanda is the "Look Who's Talking" Trilogy is on Netflix Instant View. See you guys never.
May 31, 2009: Amanda is andddd the cab driver gave me his number....
June 4, 2009: Amanda's morning commute: Oh subway, you so hot, you on fire. Literally. On fire. Evacuate!
June 7, 2009: Amanda is OMG the guy from Oz was behind me in line at the grocery store. My life just came full circle
June, 8, 2009: Amanda
is going to see Art Garfunkel, Jerry Seinfeld, and James Taylor perform at the Paul Newman Tribute benefit.
June 13, 2009: Amanda is Big Apple BBQ with Tim, welcoming Scott to the neighborhood, and about 28947984 drinks
June 24, 2009: Amanda is
it has been raining for so long in NYC that I'm going to slit my wrists just so I can see some color.
June 26, 2009: Amanda is they played "Man in the Mirror" during the Michael Jackson tribute at the bar... Time for a jagerbomb!
June 26, 2009: Amanda and Scott are the executors of Michael Jackson's will. Who wants a ride on the ferris wheel?
June 28, 2009: Amanda is Gay Pride brunch...with 10 ABC executives (ummm let's talk about...Dancing with the Stars?)
June 28, 2009: Amanda is Billy Mays was just found dead. To quote my editor: what if i'm the last person on Earth to interview him? And more importantly, what about the Oxiclean?
July 3, 2009: Amanda is in Boston for the weekend
July 8, 2009: Amanda is
partying like she's on Death Row. Does that even make sense? Who cares
July 8, 2009: Amanda
won "best dressed" at Trivia.. Anyone from college is wondering how this is possible. Dreams come true, Mofozz
July 9, 2009: Amanda
is taking a stetch limosine home from the bar. Seriously
July 13, 2009: Amanda is we'll move out of the shelter
July 13, 2009: Amanda is we've gotta make a decision: leave tonight or live and die this way
July 15, 2009: Amanda is
bringing work with her to the bar. Does that make her a workaholic or an alcoholic?
July 21, 2009: Amanda is officially on vacation. See you never!
August 7, 2009: Amanda is my apartment smells like mango vodka and anxiety
August 24, 2009: Amanda breaks bones and laughs
September 5, 2009: Amanda is telling those fat cats down in Albany to stick it. Just like her hero, Melinda Katz
September 11, 2009: Amanda is VIP at the JayZ concert. AKA not spending cheese
September 12, 2009: Amanda is this city never sleeps, let me slip you an Ambien
September 13, 2009: Amanda wishes Madonna died instead of Michael Jackson
September 13, 2009: Amanda is Taylor Swift just violated about 700 MTA guidelines
September 13, 2009: Amanda is so remember that time Lady GaGa killed herself onstage?
September 16, 2009: Amanda is Andrew "Dice" Clay's publicist is surprisingly self-righteous
September 24, 2009: Amanda is vodka tonics to the face
October 2, 2009: Amanda is wish you were beer...
October 2, 2009: Amanda is if you give a mouse some vodka, it will tell you all its secrets
October 10, 2009: Amanda was just served guacamole by Fabio from Top Chef and is getting free shots of vodka left and right. I love the Wine & Food Festival
October 15, 2009: Amanda is thanks, 30 Rock, for reflecting my life almost exactly.
October 18, 2009: Amanda is when you're feeling low, I'll be there to feel you up
October 22, 2009: Amanda
just officially decided her Halloween costume. Sue Sylvester from Glee—mainly because track suits are comfortable and I can fill up a nalgeine bottle with liquor. This might be the best idea I've ever had.
October 24, 2009:
Amanda is fondue party madness—let's party like we're on death row.
October 31, 2009: Amanda is celebrating Halloween as Sue Sylvester with Jon Gosselin, Kenneth the Page, and some random Asian girl
November 5, 2009: Amanda is today I'll be playing the role of the old janitor that has finally had enough and stabs everyone.
November 8, 2009: Amanda is seeing Andy Samberg at the NY Comedy Festival. Almost as good as being on a boat
November 13, 2009: Amanda is the homeless man who sleeps in my subway station was eating a pint of Haagen Daas this morning. Pretty fancy for someone who smells like piss.
November 22, 2009: Amanda is Bruce Springsteen and box seats
November 30, 2009: Amanda
is imagine chewing on an old leather shoe for about 20 minutes and then having it sit in your stomach all day, and that's what it's like to eat a Clif Bar.
December 7, 2009: Amanda had a Sunday Funday at Union Hall which consisted of 10 beers, came home at 8:00, pretended like I was actually going to get work done, passed out at 9:00, and then woke up at 1:00 to try again. Life fail.
December 12, 2009: Amanda is red and green jello shots, santa hat, and a Frank Sinatra Christmas
December 14, 2009: Amanda is Dear Etsy, Homemade shit ain't supposed to be so damn expensive.
December 15, 2009: Amanda is my favorite day is the day that my company tests the fire alarms all morning.
December 22, 2009: Amanda is officially on vacation until January 4!
December 23, 2009: Amanda is but does Santa Claus believe in you? Probably not. You're welcome.


Summary:

References to alcohol:
24
Bitter bitching:
8
Quotes: 6
References to TV:
8
Bragging about VIP treatment:
10


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A Charlie Brown Christmas



I think one of the funnest things in the world is to re-watch Children's movies and realize how incredibly adult they actually are.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Douchey Shit I Pulled in High School (the Aiming Higher Series)




When I went home for Thanksgiving, I thought it would be funny to reveal to my parents what an asshole I was in high school. I mean, anyone who knows me knows that I'm kind of a douchebag 24/7, but if you knew me in high school, you'd be SHOCKED. I guess everyone feels invincible when they're young, and let me just say that I had no regard, respect, or fear for anything or anyone.

Let's take a look at my douchey-ness over the years and how it's changed:
As you can see, my general douchebaggery has steadily declined over the years, partly because of I'm more fearful of nuisance lawsuits, and partly because the weight of the working world has forced me to at least try to muzzle my thoughts if I want to be able to pay my bills—forcing me to become that crazy person at work whose always muttering quietly about blowing the place up.

But back in the glory days of high school, I did. not. give. a. fuck. which lead to many hilarious hijinks that I probably should have gotten in more trouble for. And so, I present you with a recurring series called "Douchey Shit I Pulled in High School."

Edition #1:

Career Exploration Internship Program (CEIP):


My senior year of high school, I entered the
Career Exploration Internship Program, thinking that I would have a leg up on all of the other a-holes trying to get jobs in 5 years by having some real experience in the field. I'm what some would call "a planner," and others would call "a psycho."

I told Mrs. Fiokowlski, our teacher, that I was interested in Communications, so she set me up with a great internship at the Verizon Wireless store. After I explained to her that I didn't need to learn how to talk on the phone, she got me an internship at a PR firm, which consisted of me and one lady, sitting in a room, doing nothing for a few hours a day after school.

To be fair, Mrs. Fiokowlski was not really cut out to teach this class, mainly because she was thrown into it after the other teacher got fired because she stole some dresses from Sears and had to be dragged out of the store by security. It was generally accepted that Mrs. Fiokowlski was figuratively standing on a cliff with her arms outstretched—I was determined to be the one to send her off the edge.

Douchey Shit I did during class:

1. The class was taught in the computer classroom, so I took full advantage of the access to a computer and fun office chairs with wheels. When I wasn't playing loud computer games with the volume all the way up while she was trying to teach a lesson, I was rolling myself around the classroom on the chair. One day, I rolled myself out into the hallway and made her chase me past the principal's office so he could see how out of control her classroom was.

2.
Because the "firm" was located in a particularly bad neighborhood, I skipped class one day and told her the next day that the reason I missed class was because I had gotten shot on my way to my internship and I had to go to the Emergency Room. Whenever she told me that I wasn't dressing appropriately for my internship (ie: business casual), I would say, "Oh, don't worry, I've got my bullet proof vest out in the car."

3. There was this girl in my class named Stephanie Shields, and every day at roll call, I would make a big production about asking her if she was related to Brooke Shields. Things may or may not have culminated into me printing out pictures of Brooke Shields and taping them up all over the classroom.

4. I was the editor of our school newspaper, and because I was so unhappy with my internship (and how I had to walk past a legitimate bust of a crack house to get there), I told Mrs. Fiokowlski that I was going to write up an expose in the newest edition of the Freelancer (Get it? Get it? Our mascot was a Lancer, and our school newspaper was called the Freelancer?!) about the crappy CEIP program. Needless to say, Mrs. Fiokowlski freaked out, even though I never had any intention of writing the article. I was really just going to leave it at that, but her reaction was so great that I had to milk it for all that it was worth. I mocked up an "advance" copy of the newspaper, where I "interviewed" several students from the class, talking about how bad the program was. I left it on Mrs. Fiokowlski's desk and she went APESHIT. She demanded to talk to the club advisor, so I directed her to the gym teacher, who was OBVIOUSLY not the newspaper advisor. So, I go to gym class and my gym teacher is all like, "Amanda, why the hell is that crazy woman calling me and asking me about the newspaper?" So, the next day, Mrs. Fio was all like, "I found out that the gym teacher isn't the advisor. TELL ME WHO IT IS." So I told her it was the art teacher, and again, the same thing happened. The whole scenario was funny until I realized that it was sad that this grown woman couldn't figure it out. Hey, genius, why don't you try the fucking English department? It ended with me having to meet with the principal, asking me to "tone it down for everyone's sake."

4. At the end of my internship, after I made a half-ass attempt to "tone it down for everyone's sake," Mrs. Fiokowlski forced us to write thank you letters to our internship advisors. What did I have to thank mine for? Letting me wile away valuable hours of my life sitting in a little depressing office, staring at her? So, in the end, I wrote the lyrics to the Golden Girls theme song on the card, but Mrs. Fiokowlski was smart enough to look at all of our letters before we sent them out. "Amanda... this is.... a like a song?" she asked, to which I replied, "HELL YEAH—ESTELLE GETTY UP IN HEREEEEEEEEE." I believe she then told me that if I didn't adjust my attitude, I would no longer be in the running for the "CEIP Scholarship." I said, "Psh, guess I'll never see that $50."

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Sorry I Didn't Wear Pants to Your Christmas Party




I've written before about the parties I've begun to throw featuring lavish menus coupled with the obligatory case of Bud Light (hey, I may make a mean fondue or goat cheese crostini, but I'm not a SNOB). But the Christmas party I threw last weekend takes the cake.

On the menu:

1. Bacon-wrapped, pan-seared scallops
2. Bacon-wrapped meejool dates (TRY THEM—the combination of the sweet and salty is killer)

3. Artichoke and asiago stuffed mushrooms
4. Clams casino

5. Baked brie wrapped in puff pasty and served with raspberry sauce (and topped with the leftover puff pastry to say "FU"

6. Goat cheese crostinis


The day began with me hanging up Christmas lights and cooking and listening to Pandora's Christmas station (the jazz preference is the best one—a big band Christmas? Hell yeah).

I told everyone to bring beer, so when Abi showed up with a double bottle of wine (screaming "I'm sorry I didn't wear pants to your Christmas party!"—she was wearing leggings), and Tim and Scott both showed up with a case EACH, the alcohol tally was literally:

1. 38 red and green jello shots
2. 80 beers
3. A double bottle of wine


I obviously don't have space in my fridge for 80 beers, so we put two cases of the beer on the fire escape, hoping that Milagra or some teenage hoodlum wouldn't steal them (they didn't, thankfully).

Unfortunately (fortunately), we ended up drinking/eating all 38 jello shots and 30 beers. The night ended with us ordering $40 worth of Domino's pizza at 2AM and huddling around my computer, tracking the progress of our pizza with the Pizza Tracker ("OMGGGGGG KAZI PUT THE PIZZA IN THE OVENNNNNNN!"), while an old episode of Roseanne played in the background. The last thing I remember is scarfing down pizza and talking about how Sandra Bernhard is the ugliest woman who ever lived.

I have to attribute this party's success to the jello shots. They made it all possible.

Hope your Christmas is as drunk as mine was.

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Holiday Gift FIPStravaganza!





As a rule, I like shopping for presents because in general, I like to be the best, and giving the best present—getting someone exactly what they want—is kind of a thrill for me.

The problem is that time always seems to get away from me and then I end up buying a bunch of shit at the last minute online, praying that it will be delivered in time for Christmas. Seriously, on Monday I realized that I had done legit NO Christmas shopping (except the M&MS with my face on them that I'm giving to my boss—I got those like 2 months ago), so I ordered everything in an online shopping spree frenzy that ended up with Bank of America calling me to make sure someone hadn't stolen my credit card.

This is all ridiculous, because last weekend, I went shopping around my neighborhood, coming up with affordable gift ideas for various people in your life as a part of a holiday shopping package I did on Fucked in Park Slope.

Basically, I broke it down into the following categories, giving gift suggestions for two of them each day, for five days.

  1. Co-worker you hate but have to pretend to like
  2. Breeder friend and/or their bitch-ass kids
  3. Douchey granola-eating, Birkenstock-wearing hippie friend
  4. The drunk in your life
  5. Lovable nerds (and/or your dorky kid brother)
  6. Home design gurus
  7. Overly sentimental "spirit guide" friends who constantly remind you of their life motto: “LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE.”
  8. Fur baby mamas-n-daddies
  9. Foodie friends
  10. Brooklyn snobs
Check the first three out out here, here, and here . They're good gift ideas, and a lot of them can be found online, too, for all of you non-Brooklynites.

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Sunday, December 13, 2009

Merry Christmas!



It was Friday after work, and Scott and I had decided to do the usual thing we do where he comes over, we drink 700 beers, and then we go out to our favorite dive bar, Jackie's Fifth Amendment, where the actual number of teeth people have is frighteningly low.

He beat me to my house, and he was sitting on my steps when I got there. We walk into my apartment, and there is a new flatscreen TV in my living room, all set up, with a bow on it.

My initial reaction was, "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"

There's a note next to the TV from my parents: "This was too big to go back on the plane with you. Merry Christmas."

Then, at the bottom of the note, it said, "Call me, I'm outside of your apartment."

My father drove all the way down from Buffalo to deliver me a 36" flat screen TV. Scott was in on the deal the whole time.

I love my family/friends, for realsies.

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Thursday, December 10, 2009

Things I Vaguely Remember from the Company Holiday Party



Ohhhh, the company holiday party. It's universally the one night where EVERYONE gets shitfaced and makes an asshole of themselves. Our company party was at a bowling alley in Midtown. More importantly, it was a 4 hour open bar. Hello, train wreck.

I woke up the next morning, still drunk, and my clothes were strewn all over my apartment.

Here's what I vaguely remember from the night before:

—Getting a strike while bowling with heels
—Putting beers in my purse
—Drinking about 75 vodka tonics
—Getting into a fight with the cab driver because I was drinking in the back of the cab
—Spilling a beer in the back of the cab and the cab driver demanding money to pay for cleaning
—Yelling in the street in front of my house that I don't have any money
—Running into my apartment and taking 15 minutes to open my door
—Calling my parents
—Burning my hand on the heating pole
—Hitting my head on the floor


The aftermath:

Apparently, a co-worker tried to put me in a cab but the cab driver took one look at me and drove away. Considering the fight I got into with the cab driver that eventually agreed to take me home, the first cab driver was psychic. Then, this morning, Milagra comes up to me in the hallway and says, "Oh, Mami. I was gonna come into you apartament the otha night because I heard you fall. Many times."

Life fail, seriously.

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Friday, December 04, 2009

Quotables



I remember my old Livejournal, where I used to post angsty lyrics and quotes from movies because they were EXACTLY HOW I FELT, as if I actually knew what real problems were.

I stumbled across this great site, called
One Day, One Movie, where it devotes one day to a great movie and lists its more memorable quotes.

Yesterday's movie was American Beauty, and I forgot how much I loved it.


Some of my favorite quotes:

"It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. Makes you wonder what else you can do that you’ve forgotten about."

" I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain, and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment… of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry. You will someday."

"I spent 13 years as a whore for the advertising industry. If I want to save myself now, I'll have to start firebombing."

"I have lost something. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I know I didn’t always feel this… sedated. But you know what? It’s never too late to get it back."



Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Intervention: Give Me a Fucking Break



Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb here and divulge what should NEVER, under any circumstances, be divulged: what shows are on my DVR list.

1. Jeopardy! (Abi once said, "I have to exercise my brain SOMEHOW, because it's definitely not happening at work")

2. Top Chef (food! competition! quickfire challenges!)
3. 30 Rock (love Tina Fey)
4. Styl'd (drama! fashion! omgogmgomgomg)

5. Wife Swap (these trashy douchebags make me feel so superior after I finish an episode, I fee
l like I've won a Nobel Prize)
6. Glee (the singing! the dancing! sue sylvester!)
6. Intervention


Yes, in addition to my creepy fascination with true crime and serial killers, I am also fascinated by true life stories of drug and alcohol addiction. Because even after the worst day of my life, I can put on an episode of Intervention and be like, "Well, at least I'm not addicted to meth," or, "At least I'm not laying in some crack house selling my body for a rock or two while my mom waits outside in the car, enabling my habit, because she feels guilty that she let the neighbor molest me 15 years ago!" (to say the show is "intense" is a bit of an understatement)

But I was watching one last night that was just ridiculous.

Meet Tressa, a former Olympic athlete, lesbian, and crystal meth addict.


Fine, she's addicted to meth. I get it. What I don't get is how her family had no fucking idea that Tressa was a lesbian. Really? Look at her. She's more butch than all of my male friends combined. Really, guys? If the fact that she played football on the guy's team in high school didn't turn on any lightbulbs, how about the tattoo of the naked woman on her right bicep?

Jesus Christ, get with it. Nebraska might as well be on Mars.

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