Thank You For Being a Friend: A Golden Girls Marathon (Season 1)

I once read an article in Entertainment Weekly where two reporters watched the entire series of Full House in one sitting. It was eight seasons, 192 episodes, 75 hours and, if I must say so, pure brilliance. I can appreciate that kind of excessive sloth for TV.

So, it was a lazy, rainy Sunday, and I figured I'd take a crack at it with the Golden Girls, mainly because it's what I would be doing anyway—seven seasons, 180 episodes, 66 hours. Because I have a job, I can't say that I can do this in one sitting, but I can definitely break it up and try. Can I handle it? All of the St. Olaf stories? The Cheese Man saga? The all night dance marathons? Seven hundred cheesecakes? Who knows. Wish me luck.

Day 1:
Episode 1, The Engagement, 6:09PM: Sometimes the pilot episodes of TV series are hysterical (ala 30 Rock), and some are terrible because the characters you love haven't found their footing yet. The Golden Girls pilot falls somewhere in between. First of all, it's incredibly obvious how much this show was supposed to be a vehicle for Bea Arthur, with the rest of the girls playing off of her. She gets all of the zingers.

Within the first 3 minutes of the episode, here is the dialogue:

Rose: What a day! One sad person after another.
Dorothy: Rose, you work at Grief Counseling. What do you expect, comedians?

Blanche: Dorothy, can I borrow your mink stole?
Dorothy: It's Miami in June, only cats are wearing fur.
Rose: You going out?
Dorothy: No, she's going to sit here in the kitchen with us, where it's 112 degrees and eat enchiladas.

The pilot features a gay cook named Coco, and thank GOD that they axed him in favor of adding Sofia into the mix instead. Blanche is apparently getting married (the first of the million marriage scares they have over the years), and everyone is worried that they'll have to move out. After some hysterical slapstick comedy between Rose and Dorothy as Blanche is getting ready for her wedding, the doorbell rings and it's a police officer, who is coincidentally played by another 1980s estrogen-heavy sitcom star, Meshach Taylor (of Designing Women). He's here to deliver some bad news. Blanche's fiance, it turns out, is a bigamist! And that's the end of that.

Episode 2, Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding, 6:36PM: Dorothy's daughter Kate is coming to visit, and she announces that she is going to be marrying a doctor in the Bahamas. They convince her to have the wedding at their house (specifically, on the Lanai), because who doesn't want to have a wedding an old lady's house surrounded by florals and wicker? NOBODY. Dorothy calls her estranged ex-husband, Stan, and invites him to the wedding. He left her for a stewardess after 38 years of marriage and Dorothy still hasn't gotten over it (talk about holding onto something!). Stan shows up and toupee jokes abound. Throughout the wedding, Dorothy tries to hold it together—Rose tackles her because she has a knife and she thinks she's going to stab Stan. After the wedding, Dorothy tells Stan off, but she tells the girls that there will "always be a part of Stan with [her]." Apparently, he left his toupee behind. Oh, the hilarity!

Episode 3, Rose the Prude, 6:59PM: Blanche convinces Rose to go on a double date with her. Rose starts falling for Arnie (who is played by Harold Gould, who returns to the show later as Rose's long-term boyfriend, Miles), but is worried about having sex with him because she hasn't had sex with anyone since her husband, Charlie died. Blanche is aghast, (mainly because she's a slut) and Dorothy retorts, "Shut up, Blanche, not everyone is classified by the Navy as a friendly port."

Rose decides to go on a romantic cruise with Arnie, but won't put out at first. We find them in a tiny cruise ship cabin, wearing ridiculous pajamas. As an aside, when did people stop wearing pajamas? My mother still wears button up pajamas and I just don't get it. Call me crazy, but I don't want to wear a shirt with buttons and a collar when I'm trying to be comfortable. You should be wearing t-shirts and shorts to bed.

Anyway, back to the episode. Rose confesses to Arnie that her husband died of a heart attack while they were having sex. She's afraid that she might kill him if she sleeps with him. He says, "If you haven't had sex in 15 years, that's a definite possibility."

Rose returns, and Sofia asks her, "So, did you play hide the cannoli?"

Episode 4, Transplant, 7:23PM: Blanche's sister Virginia is coming to town and Blanche is UPSET. To make matters worse, Dorothy shows up with an anonymous infant. It turns out that someone named Lucy hurt herself, and Dorothy volunteered to take care of it (the baby, I mean). Blanche is pissed, saying that they simply cannot have a baby in the house if her sister is here. Dorothy asks, "Why, does she eat them?" Turns out that Virginia is dying, and she needs Blanche's kidney to save her life. Blanche hems and haws (like most Southerners do) until she finally decides to give her the kidney, only to be told that her kidney can't be transplanted into her sister's body. The episode ends with all four of them running into the kitchen for some Rocky Road ice cream.

Episode 5, The Triangle, 7:46PM: This episode marks the first time Rose tells a St. Olaf story, about how the she and the farm animals had the same doctor. It all worked out until "he started drinking hog linament and tried to neuter the Swenson Brothers." Classic. Apparently, Sofia is sick, and Dr. Clayton comes for a house call (does that happen anymore? I wish it would). Dorothy hits on him shamelessly and he agrees to go on a date with her. Blanche tries to intercept him, saying:

Blanche: But he and I were meant for each other. I'm a woman, he's a man...
Dorothy: And what am I? Little Richard?

Dr. Clayton shows up to pick Dorothy up for a date and he puts the moves on Blanche (and his moves are TERRIBLE, btw. "Blanche, are you feeling all right, you're looking a little flushed. Let me take your pulse..."). Blanche is torn on whether or not she should tell Dorothy what a dbag Dr. Clayton is, and Rose convinces her, using the logic that Dorothy could marry him and adopt a child named Little Mei Ling. Blanche tells Dorothy, and Dorothy doesn't believe her and calls her a slut, and an "amoral, back-stabbing, self-centered jezebel" (Honestly, I think we should use the word "jezebel" more often). Blanche tells Dorothy to move out.

This episode also marks the first "Picture it/Sicily" story. Sofia and her best friend back in Sicily start a pizza business together. One day, a "fast-talking pepperoni salesman" rides into town and gets between the two girls. The pizza suffers, the friendship suffers, the business suffers. Turns out that the friend in Sofia's story was none other than Mama Celeste. The scene ends with Sofia flipping off the freezer, which presumably contains Mama Celeste's frozen pizzas.

Rose gets the truth out of Dr. Clayton by acting like a skank, Dorothy realizes she made a mistake, apologizes to Blanche, and the episode ends with a group hug, where Rose says, "It takes a big woman to forgive someone calling her a slut!"

Episode 6, On Golden Girls, 8:10PM: Blanche's dbag grandson, David comes to visit. He's about 14, which explains the bad attitude and leather jacket. Dorothy tells David that she doesn't like his attitude, and he says, "YOU ALL CAN KISS MY ATTITUDE," which earns him a well-deserved smack across the face from Sofia. Of course, behind every belligerent teenager is a deep-seated emotional problem, David's being that his parents fight "all the time."

Episode 7, The Competition, 8:34PM: Bowling—the favorite sport of old people and drunks. It was like that time we went to the HoeBowl in Poughkeepsie and had a sing-a-long to "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" on the way there. I don't really remember much of the bowling, mainly because I think I drank about a half bottle of jager before we got there, but I do remember having fun! Speaking of fun and bowling, there's a bowling competition and Blanche and Rose are partners. They are trying to beat Olga and Sonia Neilson, the best bowlers in the over-fifty crowd. That is until Rose finds out that Dorothy is a better bowler, and she dumps Blanche and teams up with Dorothy. Then Rose dumps Dorothy for Sonia Neilson, Sonia Neilson dumps Rose, Dorothy and Blanche team up, and Rose is left without a partner. Jesus Christ. This was a complicated plot twist.

Meanwhile, Sofia's old boyfriend from 1915 in Sicily comes to Miami for a visit. She wants to go back to Sicily with him for the San Genero Festival, but Dorothy says no. To piss her off, Sofia teams up with Rose and starts a bet with Dorothy: if she wins the bowling tournament, Dorothy will give her the money to go to Sicily. Some ridiculous competition trickery goes on, and Dorothy ultimately throws the tournament because she wants her mother to be happy. Warms my heart, almost as much as my radiator is doing right now—gotta love those flaming hot poles that masquerade as heating systems in pre-war apartment buildings.

Episode 8, Break In, 8:57PM: The girls come home from a Madonna concert (?!) and they find that someone has broken into the house. Blanche realizes that they stole her "Momma's jewels." Her only consolation is that they didn't take her precious vase (or, as she she says, "vah-zzzzze"). Rose thinks they were robbed because they don't have a man in the house (woohoo, feminism!). Hilarity ensues as they all try new things to protect themselves—a guard dog, an alarm system, and finally, a GUN. Blanche comes home with a date, and Rose shoots him. Okay, she shoots AT him, and hits the vah-zzzzze. Rose is hysterical, and then we cut to her in a parking garage. She is wearing a ridiculous sun hat and a man starts chasing her. She recounts the rest of the story to the girls at home, saying that she "nailed him, right in his safety deposit box" (ie: his crotch). Unfortunately, it was not an assailant, but rather a parking attendant. All's well that ends well!

NOTE: Disc 1 ends, and I insert disc 2. In the interest of full disclosure, over the course of the three hours it took to get through the first disc, I have eaten a cheeseburger, some pickles, and some chips with onion dip. I also cleaned the kitchen and tried to figure out how to work the heat in my apartment. I wonder if my neighbors are getting tired of hearing "Thank You for Being a Friend" every 20 minutes.

Episode 9, Blanche and the Younger Man, 9:22PM: Blanche is asked on a date by a (much) younger man named Dirk. Rose's mother (who has to be about 700 years old) is visiting, and shows up in an outfit that looks like it was designed by the American Girl Doll wardrobe people. Fun fact (not revealed in this particular episode): Rose's mother's maiden name is Gerkleknerbeigenhaufstetlerfrau (it was later shortened to Gerkleknerbeigen, because she was in show business).

Speaking of old, I think the ages of the women in the show are interesting. The first season premiered in 1985, when Betty White was 63 (and looked damn good), so was Bea Arthur (she looked less good), Estelle Getty was 62, and Rue McClanahan was 51. First off, I still think it's funny that Estelle Getty, who played Bea Arthur's mother is younger than her, but more than that, can you imagine having a hit TV show at 63 years old? When I'm 63, I hope to be a.) still living and b.) still able to walk up stairs—not star in a hit television series and win multiple Emmy awards. Hats off to these old broads, for realsies.

Episode 10, The Heart Attack, 9:45PM: So when I was in high school, I took an internship class. I interned at a local PR "firm," which was essentially one woman sitting in a room. I didn't learn anything, but my teacher made me right my internship superviser a letter. So, in the letter, I wrote the lyrics to the Golden Girls theme song. It's a perfect thank you letter, when you think about it. "Thank you for being a friend/Travel down the road and back again/Your heart is true/You're a pal and a confidant/And if you threw a party/Innnnnnnnvited everyone you knew/You would see the biggest gift would be from me/And the card attached would say/Thank you for being a friend." My teacher read it, and was all like, "This is....like a song...?" Anyway, she wouldn't let me send it.

In this episode, the girls fear that Sofia is having a heart attack, but she's not. Badabing, badaboom.

Episode 11, The Return of Dorothy's Ex, 10:09PM: Stan is back from Maui—Chrissy has left him and he's got the hots for Dorothy again. I have to say that I'm glad that they decided to bring Stan back as a recurring character, but that weird moustache has. got. to. go. In an unrelated side note, I'm getting really tired. My back hurts.

Episode 12, The Custody Battle, 10:33PM: Dorothy and Sofia get into a fight because Dorothy never goes on dates. Rose suggests that they just kiss and make up, and Sofia responds with one of the best lines in the history of the show: "Go blow it out your dittybag!" I don't even know what that means, but it made Scott and I laugh for about 45 minutes. To be fair, we were also about 27 beers in at the time, but it's still pretty fucking funny. So Dorothy's sister Gloria rolls into town and ends up asking Sofia to move in with her. Of course, she doesn't leave and life goes on. Honestly, these "is she moving out?" "is she getting married?" episodes bore me. Of course none of the main characters are moving out. COME ON.

Episode 13, A Little Romance, 10:56PM: Rose is dating Dr. Jonathan Newman, but she's tight-lipped about her relationship with him. Blanche invites him to dinner, he shows up, and guess what?! He's a midget! Hilarious height jokes follow, they serve shrimp and short ribs at dinner, and Blanche says "Gawddddd, I was I was dead," which is always hysterical in my book.

In other news, it's getting late and I'm getting tired. I'm moving this party into the bedroom.

This is otherwise a great episode, except for the crazy dream sequence. You see, in typical Golden Girls fashion, Rose has been on about three dates with the midget, so she's obviously assuming that he's going to ask her to marry him. So, she has a dream where another midget comes in with a psychic and Sofia is dressed up as a priest, and as OMC would have said in the mid 1990s, it was very bizarre.

It ends with the midget breaking up with Rose because she's not Jewish. Awkward.

Episode 14, That Was No Lady, 11:25PM: They finally throw Dorothy a bone and give her torrid affair with a [married] man, played by Alex Rocco. Fun fact: Alex Rocco's gravelly voice is also the voice of Roger Myers, the owner of Itchy & Scratchy in The Simpsons. When she finds out that he's married (you weren't tipped off by the fact that you were always having sex in motels?), Dorothy freaks out, but then starts seeing him again because she's a huge whore. Sofia finds out and confirms the whole "Dorothy is a whore" theory, and Dorothy ends up breaking up with him for good. My eye lids are getting heavy, and I want to get up early and go to the gym tomorrow. Enter sandman.

Day 2:

Scott is over, and I will now be doing Day 2 accompanied by about 700 beers. Yes, it's the Golden Girls drinking game.

Drink every time:

Dorothy says "Ma"
Rose tells a St. Olaf Story
Sofia says "Pussycat"
Stan says "Hi, it's me, Stan"
Sofia says "Picture it"

And, to make things extra interesting: Every time someone says something sassy.

Episode 15, In a Bed of Roses, 9:07PM: Rose sleeps with a man and she wakes up the next morning to find him dead. She goes to tell his sister that he's dead, and OMG, guess what?! His "sister" is his wife! What a scum bag! Rose is convinced that she is the "kiss of death" because she kills men when she sleeps with them. She goes to tell the wife what happened, and she is the most understanding widow in Miami.

This is one of my favorite scenes:
Rose: I slept with Arnie. He's dead.
(Dorothy and Blanche's eyes bug out)
Rose: And the sheriff, I told him about me—how I kill men. And he said, "Oh yeah, prove it, sleep with me." So I did. And the Sheriff died.

Rose was obviously kidding, but it was hysterical.

In other news, Scott and I have gotten off track. We were talking about the gym, and how everyone feels like it's okay to walk around naked, instead of hiding their shame, which is what I think they should do. Good thing he screamed, "I CAN'T WAIT TO GET NAKED, BEEN WAITING ALL DAY!" just as my neighbor (not Milagra) was unlocking her door.

Episode 16, The Truth Will Out, 9:31PM: Something about Rose and her daughter and a will and money. I don't care that much, I'm kind of drunk. We are three "Ma's" behind.

Episode 17, Nice and Easy, 9:55PM: Blanche's slutty niece Lucy comes to visit and is sleeping around, only because her Aunt Blanche does the same. I can't get over her haircut, which looks like Daria's best friend Jane's hair cut. The B story is that there's a mouse in the house, which I can obviously relate to. Dorothy is all rough and tough, but when confronted by the mouse, she couldn't kill it, and she ended up acting as a "mouse whisperer." I'm obviously not like that, because I killed my mouse. But I did feel bad about it. I swear.

Episode 18, The Operation, 10:25PM: Every now and then, it seems like the writers on the Golden Girls come up with entire episodes just to showcase the cast's talents. Since they're all so old that they had to have gotten their start in vaudeville, they all can sing and dance. So, this episode opens with Dorothy, Rose, and Blanche entering a dance competition. Dorothy has a growth on her foot (gross), so she has to go in for an operation and will miss the dance competition. We, as the audience, are treated to several dance numbers throughout the episode, including one where Blanche and Rose are in leotards that make them look like they're 20 years old. Damn, these old broads are in good shape!

Episode 19, Second Motherhood, 10:51PM: There is a phenomenon on the Golden Girls where one of them date a guy for about 45 seconds, they are automatically anticipating a marriage proposal. Here, we find Blanche dating Richard, a millionaire with his own private jet. In a predictable turn, Blanche does not marry him because his children are in elementary school. Case closed.

Episode 20, Adult Education, 11:17PM: In sitcoms, college professors are usually sleazebags who hit on the cast and allow them to have their "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore" moment. In real life, actually, college professors usually are sleazebags, I mean, at least at my college. My favorite adjunct professor was also a club promoter, so every class ended with "Come to the Loft tonight to meet [insert name here] from The Real World!" Anyway, Blanche's professor tells her the only way she's going to get an A in his class is to sleep with him. Because she's a slut, everyone assumes she'll sleep with him, but au contrare! She says, "I, sir, am a LADY!" Bravo.

Although my favorite exchange from this episode was said in passing, with nothing to do with the plot:

Rose: What are you doing?
Sofia: I'm cleaning out my purse.
Rose: Did all of that stuff come out of your purse?
Sofia: No, Rose. I was also cleaning out my ears. That's where the rain bonnett came from.

Episode 21, Flu Attack, 11:42PM: The episode opens with Sofia measuring Dorothy. She is wearing a ridiculous, drapey, sequined number and Sofia is going to alter it for her. Remember when people altered and sewed their own clothing? What a dying art. Future grandmothers will only be able to complain via Twitter about how a button came off, rather than being able to sew it back on. I bought a new shirt the other day and threw the button packet away, because honestly, if a button falls off my shirt, I'll probably throw it away. What, me sew?

Anyway, all of the girls are getting ready for the big charity banquet and to complicate matters, all of them (excluding Sofia) gets the flu. Yet another doctor comes for a house call (still an old-timey novelty to me) and tells them there's no wayyyyy they'll ever make it to the banquet.

Of course, they all get pissed off at each other because each of them thinks that they're going to win the "Friends of Good Heath Best Friend of the Year Award," (?!) so they all go, and the sequined-studded banquet is punctuated with many coughs and sneezes. To make everyone feel bad about being so selfish and mean, Sofia wins the award, and gives a speech about how great friendship is. Touching.

Episode 22, Job Hunting, 12:14AM: Rose got laid off from her job at the Grief Counseling Center. Can you believe that twenty-ish years later, life is imitating art? You can't get a job? Rose can't get a job. But before you start feeling too sorry for yourself, Rose can't get a job because she's too OLD. At least you're young and (moderately) beautiful. The episode ends with her finding a job as a waitress at a diner, which is surprisingly realistic. My only gripe is that somehow Rose gets her job at Grief Counseling back and the lay off is never mentioned again. Um, hello, consistency? No? No? Okay.

Episode 23, Blind Ambitions, 12:39AM: Rose's blind sister, Lilly, is visiting, and she's not letting a little thing like having no eye sight get in her way! That is, until she's cooking and starts a huge grease fire. I'm reminded of the time that I dressed as a blind woman on Halloween freshman year of college. I just wore cataract glasses and deliberately bumped into everyone all night. What a dickhead I was.

Episode 24, Big Daddy, 1:07AM: Scott has left for the night and I'm pretty ripped, but I'm determined to finish this up. Here, we have the historic unveiling of Blanche's father, Big Daddy. As Dorothy opines, "I can't believe I know somebody who calls their father 'big daddy!'" This opens the door for a lot of ridiculous things that are said like "mint juleps, Mason Dixon line, mammy, and fiddle-dee-dee." It seems that Big Daddy has decided to start a country singing career. Imagine if your father called you up and told you, "Guess what, I sold our house, I'm going on tour." You'd probably have the same reaction Blanche had—A NEGATIVE ONE. Something is said about "chasin' rainbows," and then a crappy song is sang as the credits roll.

Episode 25, The Way We Met, 1:32AM: Apparently, the producers of the show thought that a really engaging, interesting way to end the show's first season would be to do a clip show. The girls have evidently watched Psycho and can't sleep. So, of course, they end up sitting around the kitchen table, eating cheesecake, and reminiscing about how they all met each other.

And so ends the Season 1 Marathon. I am drunk, tired, and ready to fall asleep, but one thing I have to say is that I really, really love this show. Obviously.