Monday, November 30, 2009

Fuck that radiator

So I had mentioned in my previous entry, colorfully titled, "Fuck that ceiling," that before I left to go home to Buffalo last week, I noticed that my ceiling was leaking. Because it was 8AM on a Saturday morning, and because I had an 11AM flight to catch, there was nothing I could do about it.

Since the management company that owns my apartment building is closed on Saturday, but open on Sunday (if you can call having one retarded woman in the office "open"), so I called from home and told her the situation.

Me: So, what are you going to do about it?
Her: Well, I'm gonna write out a support ticket and someone will get around to it next week.
Me: Are you out of your mind? This is an emergency. This is what we have Supers for!
Her: Well, is it a big leak?
Me: I told you that I'm not there to check on it. I don't know if it's gotten worse, if it's stopped, if the ceiling has fallen in—I have no idea. That's why you need to send someone TODAY to check on it. I have a $3,000 living room set. Are you guys going to pay for it if it gets ruined?
Her: Ummmmm, let me try to get ahold of someone.
Me: Are you going to call me back?
Her: Yep.

I give her an hour and a half. No phone call. The problem with people is that they give up and accept things for what they are. Donna said that they won't fix the leak today. Oh well. I say NO to that. I pay this company an ungodly amount of money in rent. You are going to fix this shit. NOW.

So I call her back. She proceeds to tell me that the Super said that there are no apartments above me. Call me crazy, but I don't think that I need to tell the people who OWN THE BUILDING I live in that there is an ENTIRE FLOOR of apartments above me. I told her that there is indeed an apartment above me, this is where the leak is coming from, and we need to figure out whether or not the apartment above me is vacant or occupied.

If it's occupied, we can assume that the people living there will put down a towel, put down a pot, whatever, and the leak will be more contained than if the apartment is vacant, where the leak will go untreated. On the third phone call, Donna figures out that the apartment above me is, in fact, vacant. Awesome.


So they send someone out and apparently they fix it, but they can't get into my apartment to see how much (if any) damage has been done before the leaky radiator was fixed because when they changed the locks when I moved in, they didn't make a new set for themselves.

Not wanting to be greeted with a tidal wave when I opened the door to my apartment a week later, I overnighted my keys to my friend Scott and asked him to check in on the apartment before he went home to Boston for Thanksgiving.
I breathed a sigh of relief when he called me and told me everything was fine.

So I get home on Sunday night and I get a letter from the management company, stating that I am delinquent in my rent for the month of November, even though they cashed the goddamned check on November 2. Then, I come home from work on Monday and the ceiling in the kitchen is leaking.

Honestly, renting in New York makes me want to kill myself. Last year, I spent over $15,000 in rent. This year, I will pay $20,000. And believe me, this is not money I have to spend. This is $35,000 in two years down the toilet, to some douchebag landlord who I have to beg to fix a leaky roof.

Realty company, you are so fucking dead.

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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

26-year-old to see every asshole he ever went to high school with

As usual, The Onion serves up hysterical (but true) life commentary. Take this article titled "26-year-old to see every asshole he ever went to high school with on the night before Thanksgiving."

An excerpt:

"For the fifth straight year, Jordan McCabe will return home for the holidays and spend the night before Thanksgiving running into every smug and unlikable asshole he ever went to high school with, the 26-year-old reported Monday.

The trip back home, scheduled for later this week, will reportedly bring McCabe face-to-face with an endless string of pricks from his past, each of whom he will have to engage in awkward conversation, and generally pretend to be happy about seeing again."

This is exactly what happens when I come home, and exactly why I sit inside the car whenever my mother goes into the store.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Things I Love/Hate About Going Home for Thanksgiving no particular order. Note that this is obviously not an all-inclusive list.


1. My dad's cooking: My father used to be a chef and owned his own restaurant, so he will cook up a storm when I come home. I cook very well, too, but the food he makes is totally different from the food I make in the sense that his food is straight up 1970's style comfort food. We're talking prime rib, twice baked potatoes, French onion soup, clams casino, and shrimp cocktails. OUT OF CONTROL. It is impossible for me to not go out of control and eat about 10,000 calories a day.

2. Not spending any money: As I mentioned in my previous post, when I go home it's like I got clubbed over the head and didn't spend any money for an entire week. Not only do I get paid for a week off, I get everything paid for me.

3. Making my brother fetch me things: I'm not sure why this still works because my brother is now 16 years old and taller than me, but I can still put on my whiny voice and force my brother to go get me everything—a drink, a blanket, a book, put in a DVD, etc. It's like having your own indentured servant, which is a nice change from living alone and having to act like a fully functioning, non-douchey adult with working arms and legs. I just realized that in this sense, I have a lot in common with Mo'Nique's character in Precious. Precious comes home from the hospital after having a baby (her FATHER'S baby, BTW), and the first thing Mo'Nique says to her is, "Go get me a draaaaaaank." It's kind of the same thing with my brother and I, except that when he goes to get me a drink, I don't throw a glass vase at his head, drop his newborn son on the floor, and then try to push him down the stairs. Basically, what I'm saying is that you should go see Precious, because it's a really feel-good film.

4. Cats!: We have three cats—Baby, Jinx, and Peter. Peter is regarded by everyone in the family as an asshole, mainly because he was my aunt's cat, and when she died, my father said we had to take the cat in. This cat is a real douchebag. When he's not biting you or swatting at you with his surprisingly strong paws, he's pissing in the corner of the living room. Baby is the cat that I got in sophomore year of high school. She has no interest in anyone petting her, and definitely does NOT want you to pick her up under any circumstances. I do it to piss her off because she's funny when she gets mad. Also, when we're all sitting in the kitchen in the morning eating breakfast, she will come prancing in, meowing all the way, and will not stop meowing until you fill up the bowl with fresh cat food and then step on her back so she can stretch out like a pancake on the floor. Jinx was a replacement cat after my mom killed our other cat in the dryer (a TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE story that doesn't need to be repeated. All you need to know is that it was an accident and that the cat was named Michael Jackson, so when my father called me and told me, "Michael Jackson is dead," I was like, "Who the fuck cares?" and then I found out that my mother had accidentally killed our beloved pet. Of course, whose clothes were in the dryer? Mine). So after the accidental murder of Michael Jackson, I waited about 35 seconds and then drove to the ASPCA to get a new cat. We couldn't decide on a name for the cat, so this cat has about 17 names, a few of them being Jasmine (which I refuse to call her—she's not a stripper OR a cartoon Arabian princess), Dumbass, and Jinx. I really love cats, and although the goddamned ASPCA would be outside of my apartment every weekend, I've resisted so far because I didn't want the responsibility and extra expense of a cat. Also, cats live for like 15 years. This is not a goldfish situation—this is a big commitment that I'm just not ready for. So, I enjoy going home and spending time with these (albeit douchey) cats.


1. Running into people from high school: I don't care if this makes me sound arrogant. I hate running into people from high school. It is fucking awkward. I also live in a very small town so you literally cannot go to the store (when you say "the store," you'd assume that there are many more and if you really cared where someone was going, you'd ask them to clarify. But in my town, you say, "the store," and everyone knows which one you're talking about, mainly because it's the only one) without running into at least 10 people. Here's a typical conversation.

Person from High School: Hi Amanda [My Last Name].
Me: Oh, hi, how's it going?
Person from High School: Good. So, what are you like some famous writer living in New York City?
Me: Uh, well, I work at a magazine in New York.
Me: Uh, yeah, so what are you doing?

Well, in general, no, I'm not happy. My goal is not to brag about my accomplishments because I think it's rude and condescending. But every now and then this conversation happens with someone who made fun of me in middle school, and I actually am happy. Because, hey, remember that time in sixth grade when you told me that the side part in my hair made me look like a man and I went into the bathroom and cried? Yeah, well, you live at home, you work at the store, you're 23 and you have a 2 year old son and the father's nowhere to be found. Glad middle school was fun for you, because it sounds like your life sucks it pretty hard right about now. Have a good Thanksgiving, though. What aisle are the dinner rolls in? Thanks.

2. Sleeping on a couch: My parents turned my bedroom into a second living room about .5 seconds after I moved to New York, so now I have to sleep on an uncomfortable couch. This is fine for a weekend, but after seven whole days on a couch, I'm not sure I'll be able to move. This year, I've decided that my brother will be sleeping on the couch, and I will take over his room. Just like Mo'Nique would do.

Fuck that ceiling

So I'm going home for seven days because I have some vacation time I need to use up before the end of the year and because if I'm going home anyway, I might as well prolong the experience and tack on a few extra days. While the couch I have to sleep on is pretty uncomfortable (my parents turned my bedroom into a second living room about .5 seconds after I moved to New York), whenever I go home, it's like someone bashed me over the head and I passed out for days as far as my bank account is concerned. Translation? I'm not gonna spend one G-D dime for seven days.

So that'll be great, and it'll also be nice to get out of the city, but of course, the day that I leave town for seven days is also the day that my ceiling starts leaking. I notice this at 8AM on a Saturday morning, where I am obviously the only person in the world that is up (ie: no one can help me with this). But, there's nothing I can do about it.

So I moved my couches (I ended up breaking the sectional into two separate couches) away from the part of the ceiling that's leaking, put down some towels, and prayed that I won't need a snorkel when I get back in a week.

Here's hoping.

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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Where All Good Ideas Go to Die


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Shameless Self Promotion (x 1,000)

Okay, so a lot has been happening recently in terms of stuff that I'm doing, so, if you're stalking me, love to hate me, like my writing, or any of the above, check out the following:

My Guest Blog on My BS is BS: My friend Kim, from college, created an awesome blog called "My BS is BS," where the angry, unemployed, laid off, or lowly assistants can blow off some steam and acknowledge publicly that while college was fun, their degree ain't worth shit. Sorry, Mom and Dad. I write about how much I hate it when people I have never met before ask me for references. I mean, COME ON.

My New Column on Fucked in Park Slope: After seeing one too many ads for ridiculous things such as divorce lawyers who can be reached at 1-800-MARGARITA or gross, disgusting, ATROCIOUS tuna bagel sandwiches from Dunkin Donuts, I started a recurring column called Ad-derall, where I rant about the ridiculous ads we're subjected to while trapped in the subway.

Party 101 in the November issue of Every Day With Rachael Ray: I interviewed David Borgenicht, author of the hilarious Worst Case Scenario handbooks about what to do when you fuck up at a party. If you let the cat out! If you break something! If you spill red wine on something that's white! If you clog the toilet! The moral of the story here is that there is potential for embarrassing situations every where you turn, so you should probably just stay in your apartment by yourself. If you do go out, though, here are some some tricks on how to deal when you screw everything up (my favorite involves a 2 liter soda bottle being used as a plunger).

Promotion Page in the December issue of Men's Health: My mother asked why the hell I would be in Men's Health, and then she asked what Men's Health is about, even though it couldn't be any more fucking obvious what a magazine titled "Men's Health" is about. WHATEVER. I wrote a promotion for work and it landed here.


Monday, November 16, 2009

Oh hey, Monday

New desk decoration:

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Friday, November 13, 2009

Things I Would Say to Dexter Morgan

1. Your wife is hot, but she is A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G. Okay, so, yeah, her husband is a serial killer, but she doesn't know that, so why does she have to be so naggy? Nothing is ever good enough for her! And since when does she have such high standards? Let us recall her last husband, you know, the crack head who beat the shit out of her constantly. Give Dexter a break, before he flips out and murders you.

2. How much fucking money do you make? I would gladly spend the rest of my days covered in blood, looking at dead bodies if that meant that I could have a sick apartment on the ocean with an awesome boat. Blood Spatter Analysts make millions, while assistants make nothing? Really? At least dead bodies don't talk to you and ask you to do shit. Wayyy to many inequities here.

3. Angel Batista has a speech impediment. Don't tell me you haven't noticed. The guy is totally adorable, with his jaunty hat and all, but he clearly has a speech impediment that is totally ignored.

4. Astor is obviously in her bitchy pre-teen "I AM A WO-MANNNNNN" stage. So back off and stop being such a dbag and asking her if she wants to take ballet lessons or get a bedtime story or something else equally lame.

5. Lt. LaGuerta is obviously a sex kitten in disguise. Look at her! Animal prints! Hands on her hips! ATTITUDEEEEEEEEEE!

6. Your clothes are so breezy and relaxed. I know it's Miami, so you have to dress appropriately for the weather, but that's a lot of linen! And so much white when you spend the majority of your days and nights covered in blood. Daring! You go, Dex.

Milagra Wins!

My crazy neighbor's ever-changing doormat-scape now involves a trophy.

She won.

I lose, obviously.

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Are We All Gonna Get Stabbed by Roving Gangs?

So I moved to Prospect Park West in September, and while the address and location sounds fancy, with any park in any city, it is a prime place for the local hoodlums to hang out, act obnoxious, and potentially rob people.

I've never had any problems, but someone posted a neighborhood watch-type notice on my front door that prompted me to write
this post for Fucked in Park Slope.

Of course, I didn't get any real answers to my questions, just smart ass comments. I'd expect nothing less of FIPS readers.

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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

On a Boat With Reba

I scored free tickets through work to the NY Comedy Festival, and after last year's disappointment at BJ Novak and Friends, I was hoping that Andy Samberg and Friends would be better. After all, he is the genius behind "Dick in a Box," "I Ran So Far," and "I'm on a Boat."

And let me just say this: I was not disappointed.

Here's what happened:

1. Fred Armisen opens the show as David Paterson, stumbles around the stage and thinks he's at Yankee Stadium.
2. Seth Meyers came out and did censored Weekend Update jokes
3. One of my favorite relatively unknown comics,
John Mulaney performed a ridiculously hilarious set.
4, Andy and Fred Armisen did an awesome rendition of "Iran So Far" with an important change: Keenan Thompson singing Adam Levine's part dressed as Reba McIntyre. Imagine a fat black man, with a red wig on,wearing a long, denim skirt, saying "I'm REBA!" every 5 seconds. I cannot. My roommate in college would always sing Reba's ridiculous song,
"Fancy," which is about a mother who sells her teen daughter into prostitution, saying "If you be nice to the men/Fancy, they'll be nice to you." A true poet, that Reba.
5. Keenan continued to sing the T-Pain part for—you guessed it—an amazing live rendition of "I'm on a Boat." Rather than saying "Shortayyyy, shortayyyyy," he said, "REBAAAAAA, REBAAAAAA."

Well done, Mr. Samberg. Well done.

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Monday, November 09, 2009

I bet those bunnies have better 401ks than I do

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Sunday, November 08, 2009

Thank You For Being a Friend: A Golden Girls Marathon (Season 1)

I once read an article in Entertainment Weekly where two reporters watched the entire series of Full House in one sitting. It was eight seasons, 192 episodes, 75 hours and, if I must say so, pure brilliance. I can appreciate that kind of excessive sloth for TV.

So, it was a lazy, rainy Sunday, and I figured I'd take a crack at it with the Golden Girls, mainly because it's what I would be doing anyway—seven seasons, 180 episodes, 66 hours. Because I have a job, I can't say that I can do this in one sitting, but I can definitely break it up and try. Can I handle it? All of the St. Olaf stories? The Cheese Man saga? The all night dance marathons? Seven hundred cheesecakes? Who knows. Wish me luck.

Day 1:

Episode 1, The Engagement, 6:09PM: Sometimes the pilot episodes of TV series are hysterical (ala 30 Rock), and some are terrible because the characters you love haven't found their footing yet. The Golden Girls pilot falls somewhere in between. First of all, it's incredibly obvious how much this show was supposed to be a vehicle for Bea Arthur, with the rest of the girls playing off of her. She gets all of the zingers.

Within the first 3 minutes of the episode, here is the dialogue:

Rose: What a day! One sad person after another.
Dorothy: Rose, you work at Grief Counseling. What do you expect, comedians?

Blanche: Dorothy, can I borrow your mink stole?
Dorothy: It's Miami in June, only cats are wearing fur.
Rose: You going out?
Dorothy: No, she's going to sit here in the kitchen with us, where it's 112 degrees and eat enchiladas.

The pilot features a gay cook named Coco, and thank GOD that they axed him in favor of adding Sofia into the mix instead. Blanche is apparently getting married (the first of the million marriage scares they have over the years), and everyone is worried that they'll have to move out. After some hysterical slapstick comedy between Rose and Dorothy as Blanche is getting ready for her wedding, the doorbell rings and it's a police officer, who is coincidentally played by another 1980s estrogen-heavy sitcom star, Meshach Taylor (of Designing Women). He's here to deliver some bad news.
Blanche's fiance, it turns out, is a bigamist! And that's the end of that.

Episode 2, Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding, 6:36PM: Dorothy's daughter Kate is coming to visit, and she announces that she is going to be marrying a doctor in the Bahamas. They convince her to have the wedding at their house (specifically, on the Lanai), because who doesn't want to have a wedding an old lady's house surrounded by florals and wicker? NOBODY. Dorothy calls her estranged ex-husband, Stan, and invites him to the wedding. He left her for a stewardess after 38 years of marriage and Dorothy still hasn't gotten over it (talk about holding onto something!). Stan shows up and toupee jokes abound. Throughout the wedding, Dorothy tries to hold it together—Rose tackles her because she has a knife and she thinks she's going to stab Stan. After the wedding, Dorothy tells Stan off, but she tells the girls that there will "always be a part of Stan with [her]." Apparently, he left his toupee behind. Oh, the hilarity!

Episode 3, Rose the Prude, 6:59PM: Blanche convinces Rose to go on a double date with her. Rose starts falling for Arnie (who is played by Harold Gould, who returns to the show later as Rose's long-term boyfriend, Miles), but is worried about having sex with him because she hasn't had sex with anyone since her husband, Charlie died. Blanche is aghast, (mainly because she's a slut) and Dorothy retorts, "Shut up, Blanche, not everyone is classified by the Navy as a friendly port."

Rose decides to go on a romantic cruise with Arnie, but won't put out at first. We find them in a tiny cruise ship cabin, wearing ridiculous pajamas. As an aside, when did people stop wearing pajamas? My mother still wears button up pajamas and I just don't get it.
Call me crazy, but I don't want to wear a shirt with buttons and a collar when I'm trying to be comfortable. You should be wearing t-shirts and shorts to bed.

Anyway, back to the episode. Rose confesses to Arnie that her husband died of a heart attack while they were having sex. She's afraid that she might kill him if she sleeps with him. He says, "If you haven't had sex in 15 years, that's a definite possibility."

Rose returns, and Sofia asks her, "So, did you play hide the cannoli?"

Episode 4, Transplant, 7:23PM: Blanche's sister Virginia is coming to town and Blanche is UPSET. To make matters worse, Dorothy shows up with an anonymous infant. It turns out that someone named Lucy hurt herself, and Dorothy volunteered to take care of it (the baby, I mean). Blanche is pissed, saying that they simply cannot have a baby in the house if her sister is here. Dorothy asks, "Why, does she eat them?" Turns out that Virginia is dying, and she needs Blanche's kidney to save her life. Blanche hems and haws (like most Southerners do) until she finally decides to give her the kidney, only to be told that her kidney can't be transplanted into her sister's body. The episode ends with all four of them running into the kitchen for some Rocky Road ice cream.

Episode 5, The Triangle, 7:46PM: This episode marks the first time Rose tells a St. Olaf story, about how the she and the farm animals had the same doctor. It all worked out until "he started drinking hog linament and tried to neuter the Swenson Brothers." Classic. Apparently, Sofia is sick, and Dr. Clayton comes for a house call (does that happen anymore? I wish it would). Dorothy hits on him shamelessly and he agrees to go on a date with her. Blanche tries to intercept him, saying:

Blanche: But he and I were meant for each other. I'm a woman, he's a man...
Dorothy: And what am I? Little Richard?

Dr. Clayton shows up to pick Dorothy up for a date and he puts the moves on Blanche (and his moves are TERRIBLE, btw. "Blanche, are you feeling all right, you're looking a little flushed. Let me take your pulse..."). Blanche is torn on whether or not she should tell Dorothy what a dbag Dr. Clayton is, and Rose convinces her, using the logic that Dorothy could marry him and adopt a child named Little Mei Ling. Blanche tells Dorothy, and Dorothy doesn't believe her and calls her a slut, and an "amoral, back-stabbing, self-centered jezebel" (Honestly, I think we should use the word "jezebel" more often). Blanche tells Dorothy to move out.

This episode also marks the first "Picture it/Sicily" story. Sofia and her best friend back in Sicily start a pizza business together. One day, a "fast-talking pepperoni salesman" rides into town and gets between the two girls. The pizza suffers, the friendship suffers, the business suffers. Turns out that the friend in Sofia's story was none other than Mama Celeste. The scene ends with Sofia flipping off the freezer, which presumably contains Mama Celeste's frozen pizzas.

Rose gets the truth out of Dr. Clayton by acting like a skank, Dorothy realizes she made a mistake, apologizes to Blanche, and the episode ends with a group hug, where Rose says, "It takes a big woman to forgive someone calling her a slut!"

Episode 6, On Golden Girls, 8:10PM: Blanche's dbag grandson, David comes to visit. He's about 14, which explains the bad attitude and leather jacket. Dorothy tells David that she doesn't like his attitude, and he says, "YOU ALL CAN KISS MY ATTITUDE," which earns him a well-deserved smack across the face from Sofia. Of course, behind every belligerent teenager is a deep-seated emotional problem, David's being that his parents fight "all the time."

Episode 7, The Competition, 8:34PM:
Bowling—the favorite sport of old people and drunks. It was like that time we went to the HoeBowl in Poughkeepsie and had a sing-a-long to "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" on the way there. I don't really remember much of the bowling, mainly because I think I drank about a half bottle of jager before we got there, but I do remember having fun! Speaking of fun and bowling, there's a bowling competition and Blanche and Rose are partners. They are trying to beat Olga and Sonia Neilson, the best bowlers in the over-fifty crowd. That is until Rose finds out that Dorothy is a better bowler, and she dumps Blanche and teams up with Dorothy. Then Rose dumps Dorothy for Sonia Neilson, Sonia Neilson dumps Rose, Dorothy and Blanche team up, and Rose is left without a partner. Jesus Christ. This was a complicated plot twist.

Meanwhile, Sofia's old boyfriend from 1915 in Sicily comes to Miami for a visit. She wants to go back to Sicily with him for the San Genero Festival, but Dorothy says no. To piss her off, Sofia teams up with Rose and starts a bet with Dorothy: if she wins the bowling tournament, Dorothy will give her the money to go to Sicily. Some ridiculous competition trickery goes on, and Dorothy ultimately throws the tournament because she wants her mother to be happy. Warms my heart, almost as much as my radiator is doing right now—gotta love those flaming hot poles that masquerade as heating systems in pre-war apartment buildings.

Episode 8, Break In, 8:57PM:
The girls come home from a Madonna concert (?!) and they find that someone has broken into the house. Blanche realizes that they stole her "Momma's jewels." Her only consolation is that they didn't take her precious vase (or, as she she says, "vah-zzzzze"). Rose thinks they were robbed because they don't have a man in the house (woohoo, feminism!). Hilarity ensues as they all try new things to protect themselves—a guard dog, an alarm system, and finally, a GUN. Blanche comes home with a date, and Rose shoots him. Okay, she shoots AT him, and hits the vah-zzzzze. Rose is hysterical, and then we cut to her in a parking garage. She is wearing a ridiculous sun hat and a man starts chasing her. She recounts the rest of the story to the girls at home, saying that she "nailed him, right in his safety deposit box" (ie: his crotch). Unfortunately, it was not an assailant, but rather a parking attendant. All's well that ends well!

NOTE: Disc 1 ends, and I insert disc 2. In the interest of full disclosure, over the course of the three hours it took to get through the first disc, I have eaten a cheeseburger, some pickles, and some chips with onion dip. I also cleaned the kitchen and tried to figure out how to work the heat in my apartment. I wonder if my neighbors are getting tired of hearing "Thank You for Being a Friend" every 20 minutes.

Episode 9, Blanche and the Younger Man, 9:22PM: Blanche is asked on a date by a (much) younger man named Dirk. Rose's mother (who has to be about 700 years old) is visiting, and shows up in an outfit that looks like it was designed by the American Girl Doll wardrobe people. Fun fact (not revealed in this particular episode):
Rose's mother's maiden name is Gerkleknerbeigenhaufstetlerfrau (it was later shortened to Gerkleknerbeigen, because she was in show business).

Speaking of old, I think the ages of the women in the show
are interesting. The first season premiered in 1985, when Betty White was 63 (and looked damn good), so was Bea Arthur (she looked less good), Estelle Getty was 62, and Rue McClanahan was 51. First off, I still think it's funny that Estelle Getty, who played Bea Arthur's mother is younger than her, but more than that, can you imagine having a hit TV show at 63 years old? When I'm 63, I hope to be a.) still living and b.) still able to walk up stairs—not star in a hit television series and win multiple Emmy awards. Hats off to these old broads, for realsies.

Episode 10, The Heart Attack, 9:45PM:
So when I was in high school, I took an internship class. I interned at a local PR "firm," which was essentially one woman sitting in a room. I didn't learn anything, but my teacher made me right my internship superviser a letter. So, in the letter, I wrote the lyrics to the Golden Girls theme song. It's a perfect thank you letter, when you think about it. "Thank you for being a friend/Travel down the road and back again/Your heart is true/You're a pal and a confidant/And if you threw a party/Innnnnnnnvited everyone you knew/You would see the biggest gift would be from me/And the card attached would say/Thank you for being a friend." My teacher read it, and was all like, "This a song...?" Anyway, she wouldn't let me send it.

In this episode, the girls fear that Sofia is having a heart attack, but she's not. Badabing, badaboom.

Episode 11, The Return of Dorothy's Ex, 10:09PM:
Stan is back from Maui—Chrissy has left him and he's got the hots for Dorothy again. I have to say that I'm glad that they decided to bring Stan back as a recurring character, but that weird moustache has. got. to. go. In an unrelated side note, I'm getting really tired. My back hurts.

Episode 12, The Custody Battle, 10:33PM:
Dorothy and Sofia get into a fight because Dorothy never goes on dates. Rose suggests that they just kiss and make up, and Sofia responds with one of the best lines in the history of the show: "Go blow it out your dittybag!" I don't even know what that means, but it made Scott and I laugh for about 45 minutes. To be fair, we were also about 27 beers in at the time, but it's still pretty fucking funny. So Dorothy's sister Gloria rolls into town and ends up asking Sofia to move in with her. Of course, she doesn't leave and life goes on. Honestly, these "is she moving out?" "is she getting married?" episodes bore me. Of course none of the main characters are moving out. COME ON.

Episode 13, A Little Romance, 10:56PM: Rose is dating Dr. Jonathan Newman
, but she's tight-lipped about her relationship with him. Blanche invites him to dinner, he shows up, and guess what?! He's a midget! Hilarious height jokes follow, they serve shrimp and short ribs at dinner, and Blanche says "Gawddddd, I was I was dead," which is always hysterical in my book.

In other news, it's getting late and I'm getting tired. I'm moving this party into the bedroom.

This is otherwise a great episode, except for the crazy dream sequence. You see, in typical Golden Girls fashion, Rose has been on about three dates with the midget, so she's obviously assuming that he's going to ask her to marry him. So, she has a dream where another midget comes in with a psychic and Sofia is dressed up as a priest, and as OMC would have said in the mid 1990s, it was very bizarre.

It ends with the midget breaking up with Rose because she's not Jewish. Awkward.

Episode 14, That Was No Lady, 11:25PM:
They finally throw Dorothy a bone and give her torrid affair with a [married] man, played by Alex Rocco. Fun fact: Alex Rocco's gravelly voice is also the voice of Roger Myers, the owner of Itchy & Scratchy in The Simpsons. When she finds out that he's married (you weren't tipped off by the fact that you were always having sex in motels?), Dorothy freaks out, but then starts seeing him again because she's a huge whore. Sofia finds out and confirms the whole "Dorothy is a whore" theory, and Dorothy ends up breaking up with him for good. My eye lids are getting heavy, and I want to get up early and go to the gym tomorrow. Enter sandman.

Day 2:

Scott is over, and I will now be doing Day 2 accompanied by about 700 beers. Yes, it's the Golden Girls drinking game.

Drink every time:

Dorothy says "Ma"
Rose tells a St. Olaf Story
Sofia says "Pussycat"
Stan says "Hi, it's me, Stan"
Sofia says "Picture it"

And, to make things extra interesting: Every time someone says something sassy.

Episode 15, In a Bed of Roses,
9:07PM: Rose sleeps with a man and she wakes up the next morning to find him dead. She goes to tell his sister that he's dead, and OMG, guess what?! His "sister" is his wife! What a scum bag! Rose is convinced that she is the "kiss of death" because she kills men when she sleeps with them. She goes to tell the wife what happened, and she is the most understanding widow in Miami.

This is one of my favorite scenes:
Rose: I slept with Arnie. He's dead.
(Dorothy and Blanche's eyes bug out)
Rose: And the sheriff, I told him about me—how I kill men. And he said, "Oh yeah, prove it, sleep with me." So I did. And the Sheriff died.

Rose was obviously kidding, but it was hysterical.

In other news, Scott and I have gotten off track. We were talking about the gym, and how everyone feels like it's okay to walk around naked, instead of hiding their shame, which is what I think they should do. Good thing he screamed, "I CAN'T WAIT TO GET NAKED, BEEN WAITING ALL DAY!" just as my neighbor (not Milagra) was unlocking her door.

Episode 16, The Truth Will Out, 9:31PM:
Something about Rose and her daughter and a will and money. I don't care that much, I'm kind of drunk. We are three "Ma's" behind.

Episode 17, Nice and Easy, 9:55PM: Blanche's slutty niece Lucy comes to visit and is sleeping around, only because her Aunt Blanche does the same. I can't get over her haircut, which looks like Daria's best friend Jane's hair cut. The B story is that there's a mouse in the house, which I can obviously relate to. Dorothy is all rough and tough, but when confronted by the mouse, she couldn't kill it, and she ended up acting as a "mouse whisperer." I'm obviously not like that, because I killed my mouse. But I did feel bad about it. I swear.

Episode 18, The Operation, 10:25PM:
Every now and then, it seems like the writers on the Golden Girls come up with entire episodes just to showcase the cast's talents. Since they're all so old that they had to have gotten their start in vaudeville, they all can sing and dance. So, this episode opens with Dorothy, Rose, and Blanche entering a dance competition. Dorothy has a growth on her foot (gross), so she has to go in for an operation and will miss the dance competition. We, as the audience, are treated to several dance numbers throughout the episode, including one where Blanche and Rose are in leotards that make them look like they're 20 years old. Damn, these old broads are in good shape!

Episode 19, Second Motherhood, 10:51PM: There is a phenomenon on the Golden Girls where one of them date a guy for about 45 seconds, they are automatically anticipating a marriage proposal. Here, we find Blanche dating Richard, a millionaire with his own private jet. In a predictable turn, Blanche does not marry him because his children are in elementary school. Case closed.

Episode 20, Adult Education, 11:17PM: In sitcoms, college professors are usually sleazebags who hit on the cast and allow them to have their "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore" moment. In real life, actually, college professors usually are sleazebags, I mean, at least at my college. My favorite adjunct professor was also a club promoter, so every class ended with "Come to the Loft tonight to meet [insert name here] from The Real World!" Anyway, Blanche's professor tells her the only way she's going to get an A in his class is to sleep with him. Because she's a slut, everyone assumes she'll sleep with him, but au contrare! She says, "I, sir, am a LADY!" Bravo.

Although my favorite exchange from this episode was said in passing, with nothing to do with the plot:

What are you doing?
I'm cleaning out my purse.
Did all of that stuff come out of your purse?
No, Rose. I was also cleaning out my ears. That's where the rain bonnett came from.

Episode 21, Flu Attack,
11:42PM: The episode opens with Sofia measuring Dorothy. She is wearing a ridiculous, drapey, sequined number and Sofia is going to alter it for her. Remember when people altered and sewed their own clothing? What a dying art. Future grandmothers will only be able to complain via Twitter about how a button came off, rather than being able to sew it back on. I bought a new shirt the other day and threw the button packet away, because honestly, if a button falls off my shirt, I'll probably throw it away. What, me sew?

Anyway, all of the girls are getting ready for the big charity banquet and to complicate matters, all of them (excluding Sofia) gets the flu. Yet another doctor comes for a house call (still an old-timey novelty to me) and tells them there's no wayyyyy they'll ever make it to the banquet.

Of course, they all get pissed off at each other because each of them thinks that they're going to win the "Friends of Good Heath Best Friend of the Year Award," (?!) so they all go, and the sequined-studded banquet is punctuated with many coughs and sneezes. To make everyone feel bad about being so selfish and mean, Sofia wins the award, and gives a speech about how great friendship is. Touching.

Episode 22, Job Hunting, 12:14AM:
Rose got laid off from her job at the Grief Counseling Center. Can you believe that twenty-ish years later, life is imitating art? You can't get a job? Rose can't get a job. But before you start feeling too sorry for yourself, Rose can't get a job because she's too OLD. At least you're young and (moderately) beautiful. The episode ends with her finding a job as a waitress at a diner, which is surprisingly realistic. My only gripe is that somehow Rose gets her job at Grief Counseling back and the lay off is never mentioned again. Um, hello, consistency? No? No? Okay.

Episode 23, Blind Ambitions, 12:39AM
: Rose's blind sister, Lilly, is visiting, and she's not letting a little thing like having no eye sight get in her way! That is, until she's cooking and starts a huge grease fire. I'm reminded of the time that I dressed as a blind woman on Halloween freshman year of college. I just wore cataract glasses and deliberately bumped into everyone all night.
What a dickhead I was.

Episode 24, Big Daddy, 1:07AM:
Scott has left for the night and I'm pretty ripped, but I'm determined to finish this up. Here, we have the historic unveiling of Blanche's father, Big Daddy. As Dorothy opines, "I can't believe I know somebody who calls their father 'big daddy!'" This opens the door for a lot of ridiculous things that are said like "mint juleps, Mason Dixon line, mammy, and fiddle-dee-dee." It seems that Big Daddy has decided to start a country singing career. Imagine if your father called you up and told you, "Guess what, I sold our house, I'm going on tour." You'd probably have the same reaction Blanche had—A NEGATIVE ONE. Something is said about "chasin' rainbows," and then a crappy song is sang as the credits roll.

Episode 25, The Way We Met, 1:32AM: Apparently, the producers of the show thought that a really engaging, interesting way to end the show's first season would be to do a clip show. The girls have evidently watched Psycho and can't sleep. So, of course, they end up sitting around the kitchen table, eating cheesecake, and reminiscing about how they all met each other.

And so ends the Season 1 Marathon. I am drunk, tired, and ready to fall asleep, but one thing I have to say is that I really, really love this show. Obviously.

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I Fucking Hate Those Commercials

Okay, so I haven't been writing, mainly because my life has entered into a downward spiral where all I want to do is drink and cry and repeat, but I took this weekend to not talk to ANYONE and clear my head, and I do feel better, so be on the look out for more posts and watch this funny clip:

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Things I Vaguely Remember from Halloween

-Marching in the NYC Halloween parade by accident
-Laying in the street
-Knocking down police barricades
-Knocking down a ladder in the hall way of my apartment building

As you can imagine, NYC in Halloween is crazy, and the low-key bar that we decided to go to was decidedly not low-key, as there was a massive line outside the door. So, we decided to ditch that place and go to a nearby bar I've been to before.

We get to the front door, and it's a private party.

"Are you here for the Captain Morgan party?" the girl asks.

OF COURSE WE ARE. I spell my name when she can't find it on the list, and then insist that we paid online. We get four wristbands, and find out that all drinks are free.

Then, we talk our way into sitting in the VIP section, and after about 500 free drinks, we convince a waitress that we pre-paid for bottle service. Cue the free bottle of Grey Goose.

My life rules.

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