Don't Question the Trilogy
In one of the first episodes of Kirstie Alley's hysterical, short-lived Showtime series, Fat Actress, she calls former colleague, John Travolta and suggests that he help her jump start her career by making Look Who's Talking: 4. No one could be more supportive of that idea than me. Anyone got about 10 million dollars to help make this happen?
I keep trying to tell people of the value of the Look Who's Talking trilogy, but no one seems to believe me. Really? You think Look Who's Talking is lame? What are you watching? A Night at the Museum? Fuck you. You cannot deny the awesomeness of the Look Who's Talking trilogy.
Check it out:
Look Who's Talking: The beloved first movie in the trilogy, we find a moderately hot Kirstie Alley having an affair with her boss, Albert. Through a very graphic, weird late 1980s CGI rendering, we see a million sperm heading towards Kirstie Alley's egg. They are all hooting and hollering as they make their way to their target, which is indeed accurate, because as far as I understand it, sperm all have different voices and all sound like obnxious frat guys (for the record, I have had no practical experience with sperm).
Well, what do you know? This bitch iz pregnant. What will she do? Have the baby in John Travolta's cab, obviously. John Travolta plays James Ubriacco—essentially a grown up version of Vinnie Barbarino—a dopey but endearing cab driver.
In real life, Kirstie would just get out of the cab and give the driver a shitty tip, because let's face it, he was jabbering on his cell phone the entire time with the folks back home in Al Qaeda. I'm reporting you to Homeland Security (ala Liz Lemon in 30 Rock).
But movie life, we have to find something that will link these two star-crossed lovahs together again. OMG she left her purse in the cab! And of course, her license has her address on it (like anyone in New York actually has an updated license with their address on it. New Yorkers switch apartments like hermit crabs switch their shells—see what I did there? Check out that badass simile that was not only FUNNY but gave you some legit scientific information. My mission is to entertain AND to educate), so he shows up at her apartment to return the lost purse.
Hey, guess what? A frazzled, single working mother needs a babysitter. Wouldn't you want to get away if your newborn baby had the voice of Bruce Willis? And what the hell, this nice, slick-haired cab driver seems to be available, why not him?
Hilarity ensues, as John Travolta mistakenly drinks breast milk, drives the kid around in the cab, etc. etc. John Travolta and Kirstie Alley obviously give in to their raging sexual tension, and the movie ends with the birth of a new baby (read: OMG SEQUEL).
Look Who's Talking Too: I cannot get over this clever spelling pun. Imagine a movie studio meeting in the early 1990's:
Movie Exec 1: Well, it's the sequel. Look Who's Talking 2, right?
Everyone at once: Yeah, yeah, great, where's the coke?
Movie Exec 2: Whoa, guys, I'm getting an idea: how about "Look Who's Talking Too?" is in ALSO?
Everyone at once: DUDE YOU ARE BLOWING MY FUCKING MIND—WHERE IS THE GODDAMNED COKE?
Bruce, Kirstie, and John were all on board for the fun, as Mikey tackles the trials and tribulations of adjusting to having a baby sister and get potty trained.
The potty training is the big focus of the plot, and we have Kirstie and John doing a "Potty Medley" that features riffs of "My girl wants to potty all the time..." and "You gotta fight for your right to potty." At one point, there is also scary Mr. Toilet Man who has eyes and teeth and screams "Give me your pee pee!"
You know when you can tell that the writers got totally fucked up when they wrote a scene in the movie? Yeah, it was that one. Good job, Amy Heckerling.
Some other shit happens, but the best part is when John Travolta goes to the baby gym (which is inexplicably run by obvious pedophile Gilbert Godfried) and dances to an Elvis Presley song. Oh, Mr. Travolta. Even though you look totally gross in the new Taking of Pelham 123 ads, you were quite the stud back then. Come to think of it, time has not been good to any of the stars of the Look Who's Talking trilogy. Those kid actors are probably heroin addicts or dead or something.
Look Who's Talking NOW: Because everyone is greedy as fuck, why not make another Look Who's Talking movie? I don't even care, this is honestly my favorite one in the entire franchise.
Since the kids are old enough to talk now, it would obviously make sense to feature two talking dogs, by brilliant voice actors Danny DeVito and Diane Keaton.
Oh and guess what? John Travolta don't drive no cab no more. Nuh uh, he flies himself a plane for some rich lady. We know she's evil because she has a British accent. And if I know anything about simple American cinema, you can always tell the bad person by whether or not they have a British accent. Take any Disney movie for example. Jafar from Aladdin? Bastard was Middle Eastern and he still had a British accent. Scar from The Lion King? Bastard was a lion and he still had a British accent. I could go on, but I think you get it. British obviously equals evil.
Kirstie Alley loses her job for some reason (maybe because no woman who wears gigantic bows in her hair will ever be taken seriously in the business world) so she is forced to become an elf at Macy's and for some reason the kids go back into the changing room and hear "Santa" talking to his bookie. Christmas is obviously ruined now that the kids know that there's no Santa, so in an effort to inject some happiness into their terrible lives, John Travolta goes and gets a dog from the pound.
But wait! Evil British lady dropped her crazy French poodle off at the house too. Now they have TWO dogs that are nothing alike! One's from the streets! One is pure bred! A comic mismatch made in formulaic heaven! But under their surface hatred these two have an undeniable passion for each other (yes, I'm still talking about dogs).
Also, the daughter has a crush on Charles Barkley for some reason and there's a fantasy scene where the four-year-old actually plays some one-on-one with Barkley (she wins, much to old Charlie's chagrin) and everyone watching the movie at that point is like WHAT. THE. FUCK.
British lady obviously has a crush on John Travolta because this is before he starred in Battlefield Earth. Since she's his boss, she makes elaborate plans for him to fly her everywhere, thus depriving him of his beautiful wife and family and talking/sassy dogs ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
Kirstie Alley is having none of this. She packs the kids and the dogs up into the car and drives them to the cabin where John Travolta's boss has him trapped in an elaborate ruse to get him to fall in love with her.
Oh, weird. We're just in this cabin in the woods and the phone lines are down. Isn't this fireplace romantic? Can you teach me to dance (or, dahannnnnce in British speak)?
Of course, John Travolta teaches her to dance because he is so good at it. He still doesn't get that his boss is hitting on him, even when she asks him to teach her how to slow dance. Something else is slow here, John: YOU. I'm thinking if my boss ever asked me to slow dance, my response would not be "Yes, anyone can dance! Let me show you! YOU'RE A NATURAL!" It would be like "Will this dancing session also come with a raise and promotion? No? Okay, thanks, bye."
Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley can't drive very well (BECAUSE SHE'S A WOMAN) and she crashed the car in the middle of the woods. She gets out of the car and of course, some talking coyotes drop in for a visit. Danny Devito fends them off and then goes to find John Travolta at the cabin. Meanwhile, Diane Keaton rescues Kirstie and the kids and they have to weather the storm in some park ranger cabin. Before anyone can scream "BUT IT'S CHRISTMAS—THIS FAMILY NEEDS TO BE TOGETHER," John Travolta also shows up at the park ranger cabin to the tune of Joe Cocker's "Have a Little Faith in Me."
OH HOLD UP—what is coming up over the park ranger's radio transmitter? MOTHERFUCKING SLEIGHBELLS. Santa is real afterall, isn't he, kids?!
Now, if you don't admit that this is the best trilogy in the history of modern cinema, I will fight you.