Going off the Rails on the Crazy Train (part 298)
The trains get crowded at rush hour.
It's always fun to spend your commute home from a hard day of work pressed up against an unwashed construction worker.
This morning, I laughed as I saw the MTA's new ad campaign, which reads "A crowded train is not an excuse for inappropriate touching." Gee whiz, not only does the MTA provide shoddy, unreliable service, they're also a crusader against sexual harassment. Awesome.
Ironically, this evening, as I entered a very crowded F train, I was inappropriately touched.
By an old lady.
You see, the train was so crowded that I couldn't even reach a pole or a bar to hold onto, so I did the thing where you shoot your arm straight up and hold onto the ceiling of the car for support. Unfortunately, if : you're not tall enough to do this, you become what I like to call an F train bullet: falling forwards and backwards with the train's every movement.
So there's an elderly woman standing next to me, and she is vertically challenged. Of course, I'm not paying attention. That is, until I feel A HAND REACH AROUND AND HOLD ME BY THE WAIST.
I thought I was getting mugged, so I sprayed her with my mase.
Once I feel the arm around my waist, I yank out my headphones and realize that a.) it's a harmless old lady trying to explain to me that she just wants to hold onto something b.) the subway car is laughing at the situation.
Look lady, I understand that you don't want to become an F train bullet, but it's New York. Don't grab someone by the waist unless you want to run the risk of getting stabbed.
As I relayed this story to my roommate, I said the following:
Putting your arm around my waist
Like a lover's embrace
Is a good way to get punched in the face
When she pointed out that my explanation of the incident rhymes, so began my rap career.