Sunday, November 30, 2008

Thanksgiving Weekend Recap

So it's been almost a full week since my last update, but I think it's pretty safe to say that no one was spending the holidays refreshing their browser to see if I updated my blog (of course, if you did, leave an anonymous comment to boost my already huge ego).

So here's what happened this weekend...

I took Tuesday, Wednesday, and the following Monday off so I had almost a full w
eek off, which is nice because things are pretty hectic at work as we move into the holidays. I flew into Buffalo on Tuesday morning, and as expected, my parents had my entire schedule planned for me (Also, the security guard at the airport got mad at me because I didn't respond to her when she called me "SIR." Sorry, Latoya, I don't respond to "sir," mainly because I have girlparts).

My mother scheduled a doctor's appointment for me so I can get more drugs for my tendinitis that comes and goes. When it comes, I can't move my hand without wincing in pain and praying for death. When it goes, it's like I'm a regular person without the right hand of an eighty year old woman. Also, because I had this weird bump on my wrist that my mother immediately diagnosed as a tumor. The doctor ordered up an x-ray and I suppressed a giant laugh when the technician asked if there was any possibility that I was pregnant. That NEVER gets old.

Thanksgiving, of course, involved lots of food and racism by way of elderly relatives who think the world is coming to an end because we have a black president. My great aunt from Maryland called me up
and complained about having to put up the Christmas tree, even though after every Christmas, she drapes a sheet over the fully decorated tree and has my uncle carry it down to the basement for safe-keeping until next year. Christmas decorating for her equals 1.) instructing my uncle to carry the tree up the stairs 2.) removing the sheet. Look who has no right to complain, Aunt Judy. It's you!

Saturday night was the Ani concert at our offices in

Some security guard hack wouldn't let me in and told me to go to the back of the line that was about 800 lesbians deep. "Oh really?" I laughed. I made a phone call and someone came out in 30 seconds with a pass for me and my guest. Thanks for making me feel like someone important, Righteous Babez. Ani, as always, was fantastic. I get a little jaded after working for her so long, but every time I see her live, she just impresses the fuck out of me, over and over again.

She wrote a new song called "November 4, 2008" about Barack Obama, and even though it's a little much (the chorus is "Yes we can" repeated several times), it's still a good song.

After the concert, I took my cousin home and hung out with my aunt. We talked about an ex-member of the family who is a particularly awful human being who happens to have MS. My cousin said that this person is so rude and arrogant to her, and I said that next time she's rude and arrogant to just "do a cartwheel."

Whatever, I was already going to hell.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Go see MILK!


I went to an advance screening of Milk tonight and I've got one thing to say:

Who would have thought a punk like Sean Penn would have turned into such an amazing actor?

Okay, more than one thing to say. Gus Van Sant is a brilliant director and it captured the anguish that embodied the 1970's gay rights movement and told the story of Harvey Milk respectfully, truthfully, and gracefully. Seriously, I can't say enough good things about this movie.

Go see it when it comes out.

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Sunday, November 23, 2008

Saturday Night Recap

Abi convinced me to go see Black Dog perform at BB King's in Times Square. Black Dog is a ridiculous Led Zeppelin cover band. That said, as far as cover bands go, they were actually very good. In any event, the very idea of going to Times Square makes me want to eat a box of razor blades, but I figured I could suck it up for an evening.

7:50pm: Arrive at BB King's. After two beers and half a pitcher at dinner, I was ready to piss my pants. I ran to the nearest bathroom as soon as we got through the door.
7:55pm: We are checking our coats. In a sea of black, my red coat stands out like a shining beacon of individuality. Or not. Whatever.
8:06pm: We discover that a Bud Light costs $7. Welcome to Times Square.
8:20pm: The band is pretty rocking, even though the lead singer is ridiculous.
8:45pm: On my way back from yet another bathroom break, I grab the girl who is selling beers in the crowd. The conversation goes like this:
  • Me: Hey, can I get a beer?
  • Her: Yep, $10.
8:46pm: We are in a RECESSION, BB Kings! People don't have jobs! You're selling $10 beers? DAMNNNNN.
8:47pm: I am pining for the days of college when a beer was $2.50 and we were pissed when we went to Mahoney's and paid 50 cents more.
8:55pm: Three drunk lesbian cougars are dancing next to us. I am amused.
9:03pm: One of the cougars bumps into me. I am pissed, so I shove her back. I'm not good in crowds.
9:04pm: She strokes my arm, smiles, and apologizes. I immediately regress. What a schmuck I am.
9:07pm: A song finishes, and I feel a hand hold mine.
9:08pm: My hand is involuntarily jutting into the air in a joint fist pump with the cougar.
9:15pm: The cougar's name is Suzy, which in my mental "Name that Decade that Name was Popular" calculator determines that she is at least 35.
9:25pm: I look over to see one of the cougar's friends making the "reel her in" motion to her while looking in my direction.
9:35pm: Abi is laughing her ass off while still grooving to the cover band.
10:10pm: Apparently, the cougar didn't get up the nerve to "reel me in," and the concert ends.
10:15pm: Abi and I are out on the street and we get bullied into Dallas BBQ by one of those annoying guys who tries to sell you tickets to comedy shows.
10:30pm: Oh hey, Strawberry daiquiri with an extra shot after about 7 beers. Good plan.
11:30pm: On the F train home.
7:35am: ahahahahhahaha cougar.


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Thursday, November 13, 2008

Separated at Birth?

Did anyone see the premiere of Top Chef: New York last night?

Carla, one of the contestants, looks exactly like Jar Jar Binks from Star Wars.

Am I wrong?


An Open Letter to Five Guys

Dear Five Guys Burgers & Fries,

I love you. You know this.

What I don't love, however, is your security system. I get it. You need security cameras. What you DON'T need is a TV that is hooked up to your security cameras right in front of the registers.

I don't need to see myself in the flesh, projected on a screen, ordering a bacon cheeseburger and fries (a meal that is probably 76,392,983 calories) after I a.) skipped this gym this morning b.) skipped the gym this evening c.) ate McDonald's for lunch on Wednesday for the first time since I moved to New York.

We all have days/nights when all we want to do is skip the gym, get greasy, terrible food, and spend the evening catching up on Netflix. We don't want to watch ourselves doing it.

Please take this into consideration.

Love always,


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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

New York Comedy Festival Bitchezzzzzzzzz

I got free tickets from work to see BJ Novak & Friends as a part of New York Comedy Festival's line up. Of course, I would have preferred to see Tracy Morgan or Sarah Silverman, but you know, them's the breaks.

If you're unfamiliar with BJ Novak, he's the short guy from The Office. He was there, along with The Office's Mindy Kaling. If you can't figure out who they are from my awesome
(read: incredibly, lazily vague) description of them They were okay, but the real star of the night was the hysterical host, John Mulaney.

You may have seen him on Conan O'Brien or on VH1's Best Week Ever. This lame introduction reminds me of a Mitch Hedberg joke. "It's great to come out here when someone introduces you with 'You might have seen this next comedian on the David Letterman Show,' but I believe more people have seen me at the STORE. And that would be a better introduction: 'You might have seen this next comedian at the store,' and people will say, 'HELL, YES I HAVE.'"

His best jokes included a joke about the most common character archetypes found on Law & Order, such as "guy who cannot stop unloading crates from truck even though he's being questioned by HOMICIDE DETECTIVES." He also ripped on the NY Post, saying that the NY Post reads like your friend read a better newspaper and is trying to text you the gist of it. "Perv murders girl in BK? Really?"

Moral of the story, this guy is hysterical. Check him out on

Also, if you went to college with me, you can see from his MySpace photos that he looks exactly like our friend

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Monday, November 10, 2008

Going off the rails on a crazy train (part 642)

Why is it that whenever I'm on public transportation, I am always sitting next to, or in very close proximity to a crazy person who is all alone and making a lot of crazy noise? I'm not talking about various "homeboys" who are reading their rhymes aloud (ie: the only 'ting dat's keepin' 'em clean and sober) or the mini thugs who are selling pilfered M&Ms and Snickers bars on the A train.

I'm talking about the people are listening to their iPods and are either belting our a song like they're auditioning for American Idol or they're humming, making ridiculous music-related gestures and randomly burst out with a line of the song before catching themselves. They stay relatively quiet for about 30 seconds before it starts up again. Are these people all stifling Tourette's?

I was on New Jersey transit a few weeks ago, sitting across from freaking Desi Arnaz, playing the air bongos and singing various mariachi lyrics en espanol. Maybe it will help you visualize the situation by telling you that Ricky Ricardo also had a mullet.

Look- we all have weird, involuntary idiosyncracies. But here's a tip.


Try to keep it under wraps, people.

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Thursday, November 06, 2008

Douchebag Award #1: Pole-Leaning Asshole on the Subway

Dear asshole fuck on the subway,

I know that you think that because you're wearing a Brooks Brothers suit with gold cuff links, douchey horn-rimmed glasses, Gucci loafers, and a watch that costs more than my parents' house that you own the place, but look around.

You are on the A train my friend–where all men are created equal.

No, actually–I take that back. Right now, I prefer the homeless man who is mumbling incoherently and pretending to read a Korean newspaper. I prefer him for one very important reason: he is not leaning up against the pole.

People who lean up against the pole on the subway should get the shit smacked out of them. I know you think you look so cool and casually aloof, leaning up against the pole, reading your copy of The New Yorker (hooray for droll, unfunny comics!!!!!).

No, sir, actually, to any reasonable person, you look like a giant douchebag. You are denying about 10 people the ability to hang out to something in the subway car, which, by the way, is careening through the depths of New York City at about 750 mph, jostling everyone back and forth like we're all in a large-scale pin ball machine.

Since you've denied me access to the pole that you're monopolizing, I am forced to take on a stance that is not unlike the catcher on a baseball team–legs spread, knees bent–as brace myself for the next abrupt stop.

Moral of the story: I hate you SO MUCH.



PS: Long-ish short hair with side-swept bands only looks good on lesbians, jackass, not Wall Street types. Get a fucking crew cut so you can look like everyone else down at the unemployment office.

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Wednesday, November 05, 2008

It was the worst of times

My personal theory regarding free events I get through work is to go to them if I can. I mean, come on, what's better than free drinks, food, and admission to cool parties? A common complaint amongst my co-workers is that there's too much to do and not enough time to do it. And I, like a lot of people, would sometimes prefer a night of junk food and Law & Order to a night of high heels and socializing. Of course, I try to suppress my anti-social feelings and go to the events because they're usually awesome and I almost never regret going.

Last week, myself and two co-workers went to see one of Broadway's newest musicals, A Tale of Two Cities, for free, thanks to our Theatre sales rep. It had gotten bad reviews since it's opening and I hadn't bothered to read it when I was supposed to in high school, but figured that a free Broadway musical couldn't be THAT bad.

Turns out, it could be.

Okay, don't get me wrong. I kind of got into it, but as my co-worker put it, without the money that was put into the sets, costumes, and production, the acting was pretty much on par with community theatre.

Simply put- I would have been pissed if I had paid to see it.

Also- we were all disappointed because we made up our own version of the opening number that was VERY different from what we saw. Our version had people dancing across the stage, doing Bob Fosse-esque dancing, scream/singing "IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES, IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES' along with legions of showgirls doing the can-can in the back.

The real version had a lot more murder and stuff. Something about a revolution.


And hey, the news came across the wire today: A Tale of Two Cities got the axe.

Also- the lead was convicted of statutory rape of a 15 year old and served 6 months in Rikers. You know, back when he was playing Beast in Beauty and the Beast.

Maybe I'm crazy- but casting an ex-con as the lead in your musical may not be the best first step on the road to success.

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Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Barack the Vote

Okay, so here it is.

Election Day.

I voted via absentee ballot a few weeks ago because I just did jury duty before I moved, meaning that I won't get called to "service" for 8 years- that is, unless, I re-register in New York City. No thanks.

I woke up early to get to the gym today, and the high school that I live next to was swamped with people. The line stretched for blocks. It really is exciting to see people caring so much about this election. It sounds really trite, but I genuinely feel that for the first time in my life, that politics actually matter, and that people actually, really, care about the outcome of a race (besides my crazy conservative relatives).

I was planning on going out tonight to watch the election among citizens, but then I thought better of it. If Barack Obama doesn't win tonight, I don't even know what will happen in the city of New York. My father, who is a Republican, said he's hoping for an Obama victory, just so I don't get killed in any race riots.

So, forget about the economy, our global standing in foreign policy, health care, civil rights. A vote for Barack Obama is a vote against me getting jumped in the subway by an angry mob.

If you won't do it for yourself, do it for me.

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Monday, November 03, 2008

Imitation is the highest form of flattery?

So, if you'll remember from a few weeks ago, I was tailed by a paparazzo-type photographer for a story I was doing for my magazine. The photographer that tailed me was a young guy, just starting out his business and doing quite well for himself. His service (although he trails you and attempts to remain unseen by his subjects during the shoot) leans to the more artsy side–his goal to capture people naturally. In contrast, I did interview with the founder of another more bizarre service–Celeb 4 Day–which, for upwards of $1,000, you can be followed around by paparazzi who scream out questions and make a big obnoxious deal about the whole thing. Publicists and bodyguards are optional. Moral of the story: It's a total exercise in vanity.

Anyway, my article came out last Wednesday.

Guess what comes out in Page Six Magazine today? An article about both photography services, interviewing the same people I interviewed. Imitation is the highest form of flattery?

Check it out


Saturday, November 01, 2008

New Celebrity Crush: Rachel Maddow

Because I love a lady with brains and a sense of humor.

Rachel Maddow, long-time political pundit and commentator, has a new show on MSNBC. She's ridiculously smart, funny, snarky, and very, very cute. She was the first openly gay Rhodes Scholar and the first openly gay national news anchor. Although she'll never replace Tina Fey on my list, definitely top 5.