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Friday, August 31, 2007

Owen Wilson's Secret Sister



By now, I'm sure you've all heard about how Owen Wilson tried to kill himself by cutting his wrists and taking an overdose of prescription pain killers (my response when I heard the news? BUT HE'S SO FUNNY!). As crazy as that is, here's an even more shocking revelation: Ellen DeGeneres is Owen Wilson's long-lost sister. Okay, maybe not- but Jesus Christ, don't they look alike. They even dress the same. Take a look for yourself:



WAIT A MINUTE. Maybe they're the SAME PERSON. I smell a scandal. Someone call Perez Hilton.

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Thursday, August 30, 2007

I'm an idiot



You know, I knew I was going out of my mind at the end of last year, what with waking up at 5:30am to work 8 hour days in the city, spending 6 hours a week commuting on the [crazy] train, dealing with a full course load, giving campus tours, doing The Generator, and still squeezing in time to get shitfaced a minimum of twice a week. How did I not have a nervous break down? Well, it seems that I did, in fact, have a nervous breakdown, but I reserved my breakdown to be apparent in the strangest of places, like my fall course schedule:

Monday: Graphic Design I 6:30pm-10:15pm

Tuesday: Mass Communication Law 9:30am-10:45am
American National Government 12:30-1:45pm
Introduction to Religion 2:00pm-3:15pm
Capping 6:30pm-9:00pm

Wednesday: Nothing

Thursday: Nothing

Friday: Mass Communication Law 9:30am-10:45am
American National Government 12:30-1:45pm
Introduction to Religion 2:00pm-3:15pm

If I was ever hauled into court and my mental stability and/or sanity was in question, this class schedule would be Exhibit A. THREE classes on Friday? The best part about Friday classes is that you can blow them off and turn it into a long weekend. Oh, but that's okay, because I have WEDNESDAYS AND THURSDAYS OFF. What the hell was I thinking? This is quite possibly the worst schedule I've ever had.

I am out of my freaking mind.

On the up side, though, I haven't been able to experience Tipsy Tuesdays in a long time. And hey, Wasted Wednesdays anyone? Anyone? Just me? Ok, fine.

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I went shopping!

I went back-to-school shopping! Guess what I bought!

Polo shirts, polo shirts, and more polo shirts!
In exciting new colors!

I'm confident that all of my friends are rolling their eyes RIGHT NOW.

In conclusion, Ralph Lauren polo shirts will always be counted among the best things in my life.

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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Mark Zuckerberg is Rich; I'm Not



Facebook is on the cover of Newsweek. Let me say that again. Facebook is on the cover of Newsweek. And as ridiculous as I think this is, I can honestly (and shamefully) say that I was way more eager to read that cover story than last week's article about slaughtered gorillas in the Congo.

Ever since Facebook came into our lives around our freshman year, it's changed everything about how we communicate. When Facebook was first opened to Marist, I wrote an article for the newspaper about it, only to receive hate mail about the article via a Facebook message.

This being said, I try not to get all self-righteous because I really do love Facebook, and because of the fact that the first thing I do when I get into work in the morning is to approve friend requests for Ani DiFranco's MySpace account. This, essentially is my job. And yes, I do other, seemingly more important things, but it's become clear that social networking sites have become viable marketing tools. I mean, for God's sake, I posted a MySpace bulletin saying that Ani's got a new CD coming out and we saw CD sales for that day QUADRUPLE. This is progress, I guess.

And aren't we all jealous of Mark Zuckerberg's money? Damn Jews. For real, if I was some nerd who opted to stay in my dorm room on a Friday night writing code four years ago, I'd be laughing all the way to the bank right now. I'm not. But I do get paid to deal with this social networking stuff, and let me just tell you how ridiculous I felt trying to explain to my co-workers the dangers of "de-friending" someone on Facebook after outlining it in semi-formal terms in a memo.

In our quest for more online marketing, I started looking around on other social networking sites and it's pretty pathetic how many people are trying to ride on the virtual coattails of Mark and Tom.

In all honesty, some of the sites are cool, but none of them can hold a candle to the two networking giants. Why? Because none of your friends are on
Imeem and Uber. Isn't the whole point of social networking to you know, be social? And in setting up all of these other accounts on these knock-off sites, I realized why Facebook and MySpace are so popular. Because they're easy. Setting up an account on Uber seriously made me want to kill myself. What the hell is a widget? You know what? Forget it. I don't even care.

In conclusion, MySpace helps me pay the billz, but Facebook is where my heart is.



PS: Stop saying that you hate the mini-feed. You love it and you know it. Precious minutes of stalking time are saved every time you log on.

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Monday, August 27, 2007

Righteously Yours



Friday was my last day at Righteous Babe and even though I'm still working for them via the world wide web, I'm pretty sad that I'm not going to be in the office and be able see everyone all the time. I think what I'll miss most is Jason's constant ridiculing of my bermuda shorts, and Lorraine running through the office screaming/singing "I LIKE TO MOVE IT MOVE IT" (FYI Lorraine is our middle-aged accountant). On Friday, we all had pizza and beer and read The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas. Apparently, some vaginas look like a "cave." After work, we headed to a local tavern and worked up the proper spirit with some spirits (and shots). In short, this is one of the most unique workplace environments I'm sure I'll ever encounter. I mean, we work in a church and we do stuff like this:


Ohhhh, Righteous Babe. I'll miss you.

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Friday, August 24, 2007

The Best Thing in the World (pt. 1)



Usually, when you pick out an ecard, it's obnoxious, sappy, and not the least bit funny. Where oh where are the ecards for horrible people like me with sick senses of humor? Enter
SomeEcards.com. I was first introduced to this hilariously twisted site by Christine via this card:


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I immediately started sending, and I count these among my favorites:


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And of course, probably the best one I've received was from Tim, which was both true, funny, and sad:



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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Crazies Make the World Go 'Round



I'm not going to divulge how I came upon these photos, however, I will say that when you read a famous person's fan mail, you're bombarded by a craziness that you never even get close to being exposed to just living your normal life. And so, I give you Couture Belly.

Basically, they specialize in painting pregnant women's bellies. I wonder if they'd do old men's beer bellies too? I'll look into it. In the mean time, I'll just laugh until I cry at these photos:


Mommy-to-be at a Picnic!

Yo, son, let's shoot some hoopzzzz!

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Thursday, August 16, 2007

Engaged & Ludicrously Young



The other day while watching MTV's craptastic Engaged & Underage with some friends, someone pointed out the misleading nature of the show's title. After all, nineteen years old is young, but it's not underage (an argument used by many an old perv). "It should be called Engaged & Ludicrously Young," she declared.

I'll have to admit, when I first heard about this show, my thoughts immediately went to fourteen year old Mormons in Utah, not nineteen year old idiots from some generic suburb who think their love with last forever, because they know EVERYTHING.

Each episode follows a set format: we meet the couple to be wed, we find out how unsupportive their families are, doors are slammed, tears are shed, and everyone puts on a happy face for the big day- roll credits.

Surprisingly enough, Engaged & Underage isn't limited to the straight set anymore. That's right. When I was at the gym the other day, I clicked on MTV to find a lesbian episode of the show. First of all, let's laugh at how ridiculous this is, because it's not a real ceremony! Haha, homos! What is everyone getting upset about? It's not like it's legal. Whatever.

In any event, we all know what happens when you get two nineteen year old girls together. That's right- DRAMARAMA. Add trying to plan a [fake] wedding? OMGGGGGGG add about 5 more "ramas" to "dramarama." The show was successful in the sense that it amused me a lot. However, it also frightened me that there are so many morons running around, thinking they should get married. So I've compiled a few guidelines, just in case any of you are ludicrously young and thinking of getting hitched.

#1: No Beer, No Bride: Say whatever you want to say about the legal drinking age, but it is what it is. If you can't go out and legally drink at your bachelor/bachelorette party, it's time to take a step back and wait a few years. Come on, people. Don't you want to be able to enjoy your 21st birthday without your nagging wife sitting cross-armed and looking miserable at the bar, asking you if you're ready to leave yet?

#2: Your Emotional Capacity: When I was watching the aforementioned lesbo version of the show, right before BOTH of them walked down the aisle, they were posing for pictures with their respective parents and the one girl starts yelling at her mother, asking "WHY ARE YOU CRYING?" If you can't figure out why your mother might be crying on her child's wedding day, you have no business making a lifetime committment to anything or anyone. In short, before you get married, you should have a emotional capacity larger than that of a gnat.

#3: "I'm Mad at You- Let's Break Up": Our happy couple got lost on the way to dinner and it turned into a scream/tear fest. "MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST BREAK UP" was shouted. This was two days before the wedding. If you can't have a fight without threatening to break up, you shouldn't be getting married.

#4: "Ugh, Mom and Dad, you're so unfair!": Your parents are going to drive you crazy for the rest of your life. Age will not change that. HOWEVER, you'll learn once you get older that you can reduce your potential for fighting with your parents if you move out of the house. I think what bothered me the most about the lesbian episode was that it was said, shouted, etc. over and over that their parents weren't supportive of their looove, and yet the girls were living together in the one girl's parents house, and the parents were paying for their big gay wedding. Yeah, sounds really unsupportive. And even though it might be cozy, convienient, and cheap, do you really want to come back from your honeymoon and shack up with your new spouse, your parents, and your little brother? Sounds cozy. Or TERRIBLE.

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Wednesday, August 08, 2007

I'm not really this angry



When I was a freshman, I had a weekly column in our crappy school newspaper called What Does Waas Think? Clearly, it was an opinion column, and the thing with opinion columns is that you don't usually write articles titled, "Everything is fine!" about rainbows and sunshine, and how much you like kitty cats and puppy dogs. In short, an opinion column, much like a blog, is a forum for bitching. So, when I got some hate mail saying that I should "quit bitching" and focus on "the brighter side of things" I thou
ght it was both hysterical and ridiculous. If I wasn't going to complain about something, what was I going to write about?

But the good thing with having a blog is that I can write a 3 sentence entry about how much I like Salsarita's and that's that. No matter how much I love Salsarita's, I couldn't write enough about it to fill up a half a page in a newspaper. But then I realized that all of my entries as of late have been tagged as "bitter bitching," so much so that I considered changing the name of my blog to Bitter Bitching. But I like Narcissism at its Best, because it's me acknowledging that I'm a self-absorbed asshole, kind of getting me off the hook, but then reiterating that I am indeed the best, reaffirming my asshole nature. So I nixed the Bitter Bitching name change, and decided instead to mix it up by making a list of things I'm enjoying of late:

LastFM So remember like 2 years ago when everyone joined LastFM and cared about it for like .5 seconds? Yeah, that was me. Basically, LastFM is a program that will import all of the songs you listened to via iTunes onto your own personal webpage and creates charts, like your top artists, songs you just listened to, and your most played tracks. The only people who have it posted on their profiles tend to be pretentious music snobs who want you to go to their page, see all of their music and think to yourself, "Wow, I've never heard of any of these people... let me go listen to Justin Timberlake a little bit more..." And then they'll feel superior. Lame, basically. Unfortunately for me, my music library is like a schitzophrenic on crack, so when I put it on Shuffle, you'll get something like:

-"A Whole New World"- Aladdin Soundtrack
-"Little Plastic Castle"- Ani DiFranco
-"Hold On"- Wilson Phillips
-"Last Resort"- Papa Roach

Do I really want people to know that I was listening to the Original Motion Picture Soundtrack to Evita? Do I want to advertise that I've listened to "Everytime We Touch" by Cascada 15,867 times? The answer is no. However, I had to revisit LastFM this week as part of a marketing project I'm doing at work, and I realized that LastFM is good for more than bragging rights. Once you've got your music taste loaded on the page, LastFM will give you "neighbors," who are people who have similar music tastes as yours and you can listen to their "radio stations," where you'll get a good mix of songs you know, and songs you'd probably like. AND, if you like no one's music but your own, you can listen to your own radio station, which is just a random shuffle of all of your songs. I like it because I have access to my music library on random work computers. Watch out, though. I had a good mix of songs going and I was feelin' confident. I turned the volume up. The next song that played was "Hollaback Girl." That shouldn't be blasted in any office, especially Ani DiFranco's.

Ben Lee: I loved Ben Lee ever since I first heard "Catch My Disease" and the album that track is on, Awake is the New Sleep is pretty much amazing. His music is light and happy, but his lyrics are thoughtful and smart. He's got a new album coming out in September, and the song "Love Me Like the World Is Ending" my new favorite song. It's the first track on his MySpace player. Play it. Love it. Thank me.


Top Chef:I loveLOVElove this show. While I'm not a music snob, I am a food snob and I love that it's 80% skills and 20% drama, whereas shows like Hell's Kitchen are reversed. I wouldn't trust any of the morons on Hell's Kitchen to boil a pot of water, let alone run a restaurant. And in contrast, damn, those guys over on Top Chef can cook. My favorites are Brian and Casey. And if you look below, you'll see another reason why I enjoy the show so much. OMG Padma, you're gorgeous.


Friday, August 03, 2007

Sick and tired of being sick and tired



I hate saying the words "I had the worst day," because I automatically feel ridiculous. Really, Amanda? You had the
worst day? There are people in Africa who walked 10 miles in the sweltering heat without shoes to a well for a pail of unsuitable drinking water. Your "bad day" consisted of sitting around the house until 3 o'clock until you had to go to work and deal with stupid people and stupid bullshit. No matter what my worst day is, there's always someone out there who can top it, and while I could stop and think about that and be thankful, it really pisses me off. Those pathetic people are denying me my basic right to bitch and moan. People in Africa, you're ruining it for all of us.

I've worked at the country club for nine years, and it's wearing thin. I really like cooking, perhaps now more than ever, but
nine years? I can't believe I've been doing anything for nine years. Working at the same place for such a long time has its benefits, such as I can pretty much do whatever I want and know that people will put up with my bullshit just for the fact that I've been there since, oh, I don't know, the start of y2k. (Remember y2k? My parents were so scared that something bad was going to happen that they filled the bathtubs with water and created a bomb shelter in our laundry room filled with board games and granola bars) But there's also a downside to working somewhere for so long. You feel obligated to stay when it's definitely time to go, because, why not finish out another season, right? I owe it to them, right? I suppose so, but now that our old executive chef got fired, the one I worked for for eight years, who am I loyal to? The building, I guess; the history of it all.

When everyone I knew had a million bullshit jobs that they quit whenever they felt like it, I was still with the country club. I just got in touch with a friend from high school that I hadn't talked to in a few years and I said, off-handedly, "I can't hang out on Tuesday, I'm working at the country club" she laughed and said, "Jesus Christ, I can't believe you're still working there" and I felt tired and boring. I've stayed because I liked it and it was easy. I could just coast in and out whenever I wanted to and they'd say, "sure, no problem, whatever you want." And they still do, I guess. But now things have changed, and the only thing keeping me from walking out is stupid loyalty to a pile of bricks and a few dozen golf carts.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

"Full-time stay-at-home Mom" is not an occupation



I find it really ironic that even though I'm the type of person who could watch 15 episodes of Law & Order a day, I was nearly in tears when I found out that I had been summoned for jury duty.

Fun fact: jury duty blows.

I got to the courthouse at the scheduled time (8:30am) and we were forced to watch a video that was supposed to both make us feel bad about whining about having to go there and to inspire feelings of patriotism. WE were going to be part of democracy at work. Isn't that exciting? Yes, almost as exciting as watching paint dry.

The video featured a dramatization of what was done before we had a judicial system in place. People in dirty colonial-time clothing screamed incoherantly as a man whose arms and legs were bound together was thrown into a nearby lake. The voiceover explained that in the days of yore, if you were accused of a crime, you were bound and thrown into water. If you floated, you were guilty. If you sank, you were innocent. Doesn't sound any different from what we have today, but whatever.

Towards the end of the video, they added in some man-on-the-street interviews to inspire us further.
And while some people were like "I love it- it's my civic duty" (ie: lonely old ladies) , they switched to some business guy and he was like "I saw I got jury duty and my heart sank." I was the only one who burst out laughing.

After the video, we were lead into the court room and were told jury selection would be done in two groups of 12. The judge started asking questions and then some guy comes in and says, "I forgot to swear them in!" Seriously? How do you forget to swear people in? Isn't this your job? So we started over and I sat next to a man with no front teeth who kept whispering to me that he hated people who "think they're better than him. Like lawyers."

The judge asked if there was anyone who needed to be excused, and this dumb bitch raised her hand.

"I'm a full-time stay at home mom and I can't find a babysitter for my kids and I have to take them to soccer practice and softball practice."

This was said like she's the President of NBC or something.

I'm sorry sweetheart, being a "full-time stay at home mom" is not a job. What do you have to do all day? Sit around and watch TV? Sounds really difficult. Make lunch for your kid? Maybe take them to the park every once in awhile? Sounds awful.

Let's hear it for the moms who work all day and come home and have to clean and cook and deal with their kids. They're the ones who should have the attitudes, not you, lady. Now go home and bake some cookies or something.

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