Monday, July 16, 2007

Diagnosis: You're Useless

After three weeks in Italy, spending nearly every morning climbing to the top of duomos and walking to church after church after church, I thought that my legs were going to give out and fall off. I'd be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life, but oh, the memories of Italy I'd have! Unfortunately for me, it wasn't my legs that gave out, it was my right hand (insert immature masturbation joke here).

About a week after I got home, my hand started hurting like a bitch. I tried to ignore it, hoping that it would go away (kind of like my alcohol problem- JKJKJKJK), but it didn't. Finally, I gave up and went to the ER. They took x-rays and since nothing was broken or fractured, they didn't know what to do. Here's a conversation I had with the doctor:

Doctor: Have you been doing a lot of yard work?
Me: Nope.
Doctor: Have you been doing a lot of housework? Scrubbing and stuff?
Me: Nope.
Doctor: How about a lot of mousing?
Me: Excuse me?
Doctor: You know, being on the computer.

So here's my diagnosis: tendonitis due to "excessive mousing." Congratulations, Amanda, you just got the nerdiest diagnosis in the history of the world! I couldn't hurt my hand falling off a cliff or even playing the guitar too much, it's because I'm "mousing" too much. Great. So they gave me an ace bandage and sent me on my merry way.

Unfortunately, my hand didn't get any better. Why? Because I'm either on the computer 8 hours a day at my job at Righteous Babe, or I'm constantly chopping things when I'm working in the kitchen at the Country Club. At this point, it gets scary because all I see in my future is usage of a computer for a minimum of 8 hours a day. I guess I'll have to demand an assistant right away. And then I'll just dictate what I need to type to her. That'd be interesting. I can't imagine ever reading one of the emails I send to Kari out loud to someone. "Ok, assistant. Here goes. DEAR JERK. I hate chu so much. O-m-g. O-m-g..." It goes on like that.

So I go to a specialist and he tells me that I could have the pain FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE or it'll go away in a few weeks and never come back again. GOOD.

I guess it's fun to be vague. Something I know that I'll never master.


Thursday, July 12, 2007

Journalists Gone Wild

Can you recall a time when being a journalist was considered a noble profession? You know, back when Woodward and Bernstein were tirelessly getting to the bottom of Watergate? With gumption, ambition, and the spirit of watchdog journalism that's dead today, they managed to bring down a presidency. I'm pretty confident that the cavalcade of jackasses I currently see on network and cable news couldn't even bring down the house (you know, in simple Queen Latifah fashion).

There are two main examples that have caught my attention lately, and while one is more serious than the other, both are equally laughable.

Example 1: Katie Couric's CBS Evening News

Poor, poor Katie Couric is on the cover of every publication from The National Enquirer to the Buffalo News; the story being that her ratings are awful and either that she wants out of her contract ($15 million a year, by the way), or that CBS is going to fire her.

Speaking as someone who loved Katie Couric so much that she ironed her face onto a t-shirt and emblazoned the words "KATIE COURIC POWER" on it (I'm SERIOUS), I'm going to say that even though my admiration for her has waned, the ratings abomination that is the CBS Evening News is not entirely her fault.

First of all, let us not forget that CBS Even
ing News has always been in the toilet as far as ratings go. Recently, Dan Rather accused Couric of dumbing the evening news down, and "tarting it up." Yeah, Dan, it's really disgraceful what Katie's done to the news... definitely worse than when you reported on a falsified documentation of President Bush's military record that was so embarassing for CBS that you "retired" (aka GOT FIRED).

Here's why Katie Couric doesn't work as an anchor for the evening news: because she's a woman. JKJKJKJK. It's not because she's a woman, per se, but when you think "Katie Couric," you don't think "serious journalist." Ever since she arrived as the co-anchor on the Today Show in 1991, she was famous for being the affable, girl-next-door everywoman who could deliver hard news, cry with victims of tragedies, joke around with that whackjob Willard Scott, and preside over an ice cream eating contest all within a three-hour period, every morning. Unfortunately for her, people tend to forget all of the serious segments and instead remember the time that she dressed up as Peter Pan for Halloween and flew onto the Today Show set on wires.

Regardless, that image worked well for her throughout her career, and toward the end of her tenure at the Today Show, she became the highest paid journalist in history.

Riding on the tidal wave of millions of dollars and the reigning title of "America's Sweetheart," Katie thought she could conquer the evening news. CBS thought they made a smart move by stealing NBC's golden gal, counting on her to not only invigorate the dying medium of the evening news in a world where 24-hour cable news rules but to boost their historically crappy ratings as well. That's a tall order, and merely being "perky" ain't gonna cut it.

What the major contributing factor that is responsible for Katie's bad ratings is America's perception of her. For almost fifteen years, our Katie was the smiley talking head that we woke up to. The non-abrasive, hodgepodgey nature of the Today Show allowed her to be the entire spectrum of a journalist, from serious to semi-serious to just plain silly, whereas the evening news only has room for the serious. Simply put, everything Americans loved about Katie is everything she can't be on the CBS Evening News.

Example 2: Mika's Breakdown

MSNBC anchor Mika Brzezinski had a nervous breakdown on the air when confronted with doing yet another segment about Paris Hilton's stint in jail. Apparently, Mika is an old school journalist, who thinks that we should be reporting on things like oh, I don't know, THE WAR, instead of some dumbass heiress who's only famous because she's rich (and kind of a slut).
So she proceeded to rip the story up, put it into a paper shredder, and LIGHT IT ON FIRE.

Kudos to you, Mika, for having journalistic integrity, but you still look like a psycho.

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