Sunday, December 24, 2006

The Immaculate Conception: The Virgin Mary (Cheney)

Occasionally, my boss will bring his baby daughter to work with him. Admittedly, she's really cute. For the record, I like babies and toddlers, I think they're adorable, but I'm notoriously bad with kids. I merely looked at her, and she started crying, causing a co-worker to pick her up and say, "Oh come on, Amanda's not that scary." Ha HA.

For a ridiculous amount of time, my roommate would badger me about having kids. A true traditionalist, it's like she can't imagine someone's life without marriage and bratty, loud children running around. Personally, I think the best part about being gay is that you don't have to answer the badgering questions from people, most often referring to your biological clock. I can spend my life traveling around the world, being totally selfish, and counting my boat loads of money that I'll have since I won't have to spend it on my children. But, she persisted. Finally, I told her that the only way I'd have kids was if her boyfriend provided the sperm for me to get artificially inseminated. That shut her up real quick.

Recently, America has stumbled upon its own Christmas miracle.

Vice President Dick Cheney's high-profile lesbian daughter, Mary, announced that she's pregnant, and plans to raise the child with her long-time partner, Heather Poe. I don't think I'm the only one who thinks it's ironically hilarious that the daughter of the Vice President of such an oppressive administration on behalf of gays is gay herself and having a kid in a country that doesn't give her or her partner the right to marry.

You'd almost feel sorry for Mary until you took stock in the fact that she helped usher in an administration that fundamentally opposes giving out those rights. Cheney, who stepped into the limelight back in 2004 when she worked on Bush 2004 re-election campaign,
began to draw heat for being an out lesbian and still supporting and campaigning a ticket that opposed rights for gay people (see

Not an unreasonable person, I can see how dicey it could get when choosing between your father and your politics, but now with our VP's prospective grandkid in question, what does this mean for the Bush Administration's politics? Will "compassionate conservativism" stick around once our Vice President is playing granddaddy to a lesbian couple's kid?

Maybe it will, or maybe he'll just shoot someone. Who knows.


Friday, December 22, 2006

OMG Rosie O'Donnell, Shut Up! (vol. 1)

Well, Rosie's at it again. This time, she's not attacking a dimwitted talking head like Kelly Ripa, she's moved on to bigger fish: Donald Trump. Calling him a "snake oil salesman," Rosie landed herself into some hot water. Hey, Rosie, what do you know about snakes? Ha ha! See what I did there? A double entendre. Because Rosie's a LESBIAN.

Anyway, basically, all of the old bags over at the train wreck known as The View were talking about Donald Trump's decision to let drunken mess Tara Conner stay on as Miss USA. Let me just say that I'm totally comfortable with Miss USA being a drunk; it not only lowers the bar for the rest of us, but it lets us see that no one's perfect. Not even Miss USA.

But apparently, Rosie doesn't agree with me. Saying, "[Donald] left his first wife – had an affair. [He] had kids both times, but he's the moral compass for 20-year-olds in America." There are a few things wrong with this statement, besides the glaring grammar problems. First of all, as a 20-year-old American, I'd have to say that Donald Trump is not and never will be my "moral compass." And really, Rosie, what does it matter that he cheated on all of his wives? We all know that if anyone said anything about her long-time partner, Kelli Carpenter-O'Donnell, she'd be all up in arms again, crying homophobia. Basically, someone needs to tell Rosie to stop being such a hypocrite.

Perhaps Donald Trump is the man to do that, because he's said, after about hearing her statements on The View that he's going to sue her for slander. Harsh words abound for the Donald, in a recent statement to People Magazine, he said, "You can't make false statements. Rosie will rue the words she said. I'll most likely sue her for making those false statements – and it'll be fun. Rosie's a loser. A real loser. I look forward to taking lots of money from my nice fat little Rosie."


Seriously, Rosie, just shut up. But we all know that will never happen, and so, look for the next OMG Rosie O'Donnell Shut Up! (vol. 2).


A Candle: The Gift of Doom

After years of being directly involved in the process of "Secret Santa" (or, as my friends from Queens call it, "Kris Kringle"), I've made the following conclusion: a candle is a gift you get for someone you don't care about. Sure, there are exceptions, my mother is a candle fiend; when the power went out, we had to fumble around in the dark, looking for candles that were suitable for burning, as none of her expensive candles are allowed to be lit. But for the most part, a candle is a safe, thoughtless gift. So, if you find yourself unwrapping a candle this Christmas, remember one thing: the gift giver hates you.

Happy Holidays!