Thursday, September 14, 2006

Your life will never resemble a chick flick

Sorry, ladies. This will never happen in real life. Get over it.

Out of respect, whenever my roommate (who happens to be Christine, my former lazy publicist) gets on the phone with her boyfriend, I put on my headphones and crank up some angry chick music. Mainly, I'm bitter, and I don't want to hear the nightly argument about who loves who more (it usually ends with someone proclaiming that they love the other "a million-billion times infinity!!!") But tonight, even though Ani DiFranco was earnestly singing in my ear buds, I could hear Christine yell, "WHEN WE DIE, I HOPE IT'S LIKE THE NOTEBOOK!"

Because Christine is one of my good friends, I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she was joking. However, I know that many of my fellow females would say that in all seriousness. So here's some things for my girlz!! to consider about their beloved chick flicks:

Dancing in the street isn't romantic, it's dangerous. Oh sure, it seems like a good idea. You're with a cute guy and he's sweeping you off your feet. Next thing you know, you're so caught up in your romantic evening that you don't notice the huge tractor-trailer coming towards you. Hey girls, road kill isn't cute or sexy. Stick to the sidewalks.

The leading man is persistent and you call him romantic, the guy you're dating is persistant and you call the police:
Yeah, yeah, we all thought Will Smith was sooo dreamy in Hitch when he wouldn't take no for an answer and planned all of these elaborate schemes to get Eva Mendes to notice him, but if a guy you met at the bar this weekend found out where you work and sent you a walkie talkie so he could ask you out on a date to go jet-skiing, you'd be dialing 911 before you can say "Fresh Prince."

If your new beau is sweet, sensitive, and loves to go shopping with you, congratulations, you've found the perfect man- the perfect gay man: Yeah, he'll go ballroom dancing with you and help you pick out shoes, and maybe he'll kiss you when he's drunk, but eventually, he'll come out of the closet, and he'll probably be wearing the shoes he helped you pick out! And I'm not saying that straight men can't be sweet and sensitive, but come on, ladies, do you really want a guy who's going to constantly talk about his feelings and cry on your shoulder all of the time? The only straight guys I know who keep tissues next to their bed aren't using them to dry their tears, if you get what I mean (lotion, anyone?)

ALZHEIMER'S IS NOT ROMANTIC: I know, it seems like I'm attacking The Notebook more than any other movie, but seriously- the ending of The Notebook was not romantic. There is nothing romantic about Alzheimer's and dimentia. And hey, my definition of a happy ending: doesn't involve two dead people.

In conclusion,
girls, give your man a break. He's never going to be Brad Pitt. And do you really want a guy who's going to be running off to help people in South Africa, anyway? Of course not. You want someone who's going to stay close by, someone you can drag to sappy chick flicks and nag on the way home saying things like, "WHY AREN'T YOU MORE LIKE THAT?

Keep an eye out for more on this. Maybe I'll call it AMANDA YELLS AT WOMEN (part 2).


Thursday, September 07, 2006


Last night, a friend and I were discussing how awesome we are at self-promotion. Although the act of self-promotion is relatively easy nowadays, with our opinion blogs and other various resources available on the world wide web, there is still a particular skill to it. There are two ways you can do it:

1. The Subtle Approach: Find ways to get others to bring up your accomplishments so you don't sound like an arrogant ass (this technique works best in a group of three or more people).


Friend 1:
So what did you do this summer?
You: Oh, not much, you know, just working a lot.
Friend 2: Are you serious? She was drafting a new amendment to the U.S. Constitution all summer!
Friend 1: Damn, I w
as just working at Applebee's...
You: Don't worry, though, that sounds like fun, right? Eatin' good in the neighborhood!

2. The Frontal Assault: This one is my preferred method. Any psychologist will tell you that people will make fun of themselves first just so that others can't do it first. I know I'm an arrogant jerk. And I'm okay with it. Saying it first is like taking the power away from all of the naysayers.

So, keeping that in mind, I got some self-promotional stuff to say.

Awhile ago, I wrote an article for The Generator (my college magazine that I edit) about a ki
d from my school who just released his first CD. He enjoyed the article so much that he posted it on his website, and quoted it like he was quoting The New York Times. "'An old soul with a fresh sound' is how The Generator Magazine described Frank Viele." I said that? Really? Okay. I mean, I like the magazine and everything, but I hardly think it's an authority on music. In any event, it's cool to see The Generator up on his website, so check it out.

ALSO- if any of you were wondering if I did anything at my internship at the Buffalo Spree besides write pointless blog entries and email all of my friends incessantly, you can check out The Official 2006-2007 Performing Arts Guide. Of course, it's only available in the Western New York area, so if you're there, pick one up and read my thoughts about the 40+ theaters in the Buffalo area. And if you're wondering if I could take you to a show, think again, because I didn't get any free tickets to any shows. Apparently, these theater jerks are too busy singing and dancing to give me free tickets. Thanks for nothing.